Local

Los Angeles, CA - Adam Miller shocked friends and family Tuesday when the 32-year-old freelance public relations rep heroically swiped right on the Tinder profile of a woman whom witnesses report had "only neck-up photos for him to go off of." "I’ve never seen anything like it," best friend, Leon McNally described. "She had a pretty face. But I...

Detroit, MI - After months of deliberately avoiding listening to his drug dealer's demo, local barber Chris Delaponte reported Tuesday he was stunned to find that the group known as "Buttercup," fronted by ace illicit pharmaceutical entrepreneur Todd Filo, was actually really really good. "I was dreading listening to it," Delaponte explained. "'Cause I'm really bad at faking like I...

Amherst, NY - Local grad student Naureen Nayak, a homely young woman in possession of her parents' HBO Go password, has been inexplicably laid six Sundays in a row according to friends and neighbors. "I just don’t get it," mused neighbor Ryan Majewski. "Naureen is unfuckable even by drunk-male standards. Yet I heard her banging through the wall every...

Thousand Oaks, CA - Your Facebook friend, James, was in shock early Thursday morning after learning that a tragic mass shooting happened the previous night at an establishment, right across the street from the Ralphs where he has done his shopping on more than one occasion. "I have no words," revealed the traumatized young man at the beginning of his 116-word...

Chicago, IL - As the sun began to rise over a decadent Bridgeport house party Saturday morning, local server Dylan Christensen reported tremendous certainty that he in fact only needs one more bump. "I have a bit of a drive back to Ukrainian Village," Christensen relayed. "And I don't have to start the brunch shift for another four hours....

Cherry Hill, NJ - Following a string of tough setbacks, 31-year-old Jessie Boyer moved back in with her parents Friday only to make a miraculous finding in her childhood bedroom: Her long lost Tamagotchi virtual pet, missing for some 18 years, pinned against the wall behind her headboard... STILL ALIVE! “When I heard that faint beeping sound... I thought I...

Maddison, WI - In an effort to protect retail workers from throngs of middle-aged women taking advantage of designer products at sensible prices, local retail plaza East Town Mall announced its plans Tuesday to declare Marshalls Law.  “We will still have the same high-end brands at low prices our customers have come to expect,”...

Lambertville, NJ - Local electrician Joseph Chapman was reportedly unsure how to proceed Tuesday as his friend's wedding, for which he received a save-the-date but not an actual invitation, draws near. "It's less than a month away and I know they already sent out invitations because I saw one on my buddy's fridge when I was at his cookout...

Huntington Beach, CA - 29 year old Tracy Robinson shocked friends and neighbors Thursday after allegedly stabbing her boyfriend Jake Reid 12 times for calling her crazy; evidently failing to recognize any irony. "She’s always seemed perfectly normal to me," next door neighbor Sidney Jenkins told reporters. "But each stab wound inflicted does seem to reinforce Jake’s central argument...

If this story doesn’t warm your heart, you are clearly a robot or a German - The heartbroken parents of 15-year-old Andrea Stith were desperate for answers after their beloved daughter was found asphyxiated in the trunk of her boyfriend’s car last week. Under the circumstances, they were naturally somewhat suspicious that foul play had occurred. That was until...