Local

Amherst, NY - Local grad student Naureen Nayak, a homely young woman in possession of her parents' HBO Go password, has been inexplicably laid six Sundays in a row according to friends and neighbors. "I just don’t get it," mused neighbor Ryan Majewski. "Naureen is unfuckable even by drunk-male standards. Yet I heard her banging through the wall every...

Charlottesville, VA - 23-year-old Zach Lee, recent graduate of Eastern Mennonite University, pled for forgiveness Sunday following the publication of photos from the August 12 white nationalist march on Charlottesville in which he appears to be refilling the tiki-torches of the white supremacist marchers. "I had no idea what that event was about," Lee explained. "I just...

Birmingham, AL - Proud republican husband and father, and veteran of the ongoing War On Christmas, William Allen inspired Christians nationwide with his announcement Tuesday that he would not be removing the Christmas lights from his front yard until late March, or whenever Easter takes place this year. "Until the last flake of Christmas snow has fallen and melted on American...

BROOKLYN, NY- Up-and-coming local stand-up comic Edward Figone raised eyebrows Sunday evening when he left the hilarious comment: "#humblebrag" under Facebook friend, Leah Cooper’s post about how she had recently been sexually assaulted walking home from work. "I was just scrolling through the feed and the word ‘rape’ caught my eye," Figone explained. "She was blabbering on about how...

Detroit, MI - After months of deliberately avoiding listening to his drug dealer's demo, local barber Chris Delaponte reported Tuesday he was stunned to find that the group known as "Buttercup," fronted by ace illicit pharmaceutical entrepreneur Todd Filo, was actually really really good. "I was dreading listening to it," Delaponte explained. "'Cause I'm really bad at faking like I...

If this story doesn’t warm your heart, you are clearly a robot or a German - The heartbroken parents of 15-year-old Andrea Stith were desperate for answers after their beloved daughter was found asphyxiated in the trunk of her boyfriend’s car last week. Under the circumstances, they were naturally somewhat suspicious that foul play had occurred. That was until...

Spokane, WA - Despite his total dependence on his mother’s breasts for sustenance, 13-month-old Daniel Lawton is actually more of an ass-man according to friends and neighbors close to the precocious infant. "Most of us just take what we’re given and do what’s expected of us," explained 11-month-old playmate Anthony Tamashunas. "But Danny is different. He’s his own...

Cedar Park, TX - 15-year-old Ainsley Palmer was reportedly shocked Tuesday evening after discovering that her father’s comments on her Facebook post were actually pretty funny. “I love my dad,” Ainsley stated. “But he’s pretty lame, in general. So when I saw a notification pop up and thought of my all my friends seeing his corny puns and total...

PHILADELPHIA, PA - Multiple Temple University students reported a disturbing incident of on-campus rudeness Friday afternoon. At least three sources confirmed that Brad Whiting, a 48 year-old campus maintenance worker, walked past Gretchen Childress, a young woman who was not smiling at all, and gallantly attempted to brighten her day by insisting that she do so. "It was so...

Los Angeles, CA – The Los Angeles County Fire Department announced plans Monday to join in the City’s effort to prevent the recent outbreaks of Hepatitis A and Typhus from reaching epidemic levels by conducting carefully controlled burns of the county's homeless population. "We're starting with Skid Row, obviously," explained LAFP Chief Dale Mahorn. "But ultimately, if we're really taking...