Local

Old Lady’s Basement, OH - Long sought after as the apex of pet-breeding, elite breeders Schroder & Simmons announced Tuesday they have successfully bred a cat whose features are as ugly as those of a human infant. The newly christened "Wrinkle Necked Toe head" is an utterly helpless hairless feline, so crusty, bloated and discolored, that people are compelled...

Detroit, MI - After months of deliberately avoiding listening to his drug dealer's demo, local barber Chris Delaponte reported Tuesday he was stunned to find that the group known as "Buttercup," fronted by ace illicit pharmaceutical entrepreneur Todd Filo, was actually really really good. "I was dreading listening to it," Delaponte explained. "'Cause I'm really bad at faking like I...

Los Angeles, CA - In stark contrast to the countless unrequested penile photographs with which she was previously inundated, local hostess Sarah Halicki was pleasantly surprised to receive an aesthetically pleasing dick-pic Thursday night. "I typically hate dick-pics," Halicki explained. "They are a gross and offensive manifestation of male privilege and aggression. But I have to admit, this last...

Cherry Hill, NJ - Following a string of tough setbacks, 31-year-old Jessie Boyer moved back in with her parents Friday only to make a miraculous finding in her childhood bedroom: Her long lost Tamagotchi virtual pet, missing for some 18 years, pinned against the wall behind her headboard... STILL ALIVE! “When I heard that faint beeping sound... I thought I...

Zionsville, IN - In a totally unexpected ordeal, local IT project manager Patrick Leaming struggled with how to deflect blame after inviting obnoxious asshole Bill Gowing to a friend’s house party Friday night. "I didn’t think he would actually show up," an exacerbated Leaming explained to reporters. "I hadn’t seen the guy in years and randomly ran into him...

Spokane, WA - Despite his total dependence on his mother’s breasts for sustenance, 13-month-old Daniel Lawton is actually more of an ass-man according to friends and neighbors close to the precocious infant. "Most of us just take what we’re given and do what’s expected of us," explained 11-month-old playmate Anthony Tamashunas. "But Danny is different. He’s his own...

Earth – In yet more bad news for Earth, early this morning the planet Mercury went into retrograde. The unexpected shift in the forward motion of the tiny planet signals a sudden and bitter end to the peace and prosperity we as a species had enjoyed for decades. Over the last 50 years, governed by the forward motion of the small...

Chicago, IL - As the sun began to rise over a decadent Bridgeport house party Saturday morning, local server Dylan Christensen reported tremendous certainty that he in fact only needs one more bump. "I have a bit of a drive back to Ukrainian Village," Christensen relayed. "And I don't have to start the brunch shift for another four hours....

Corpus Christi, TX - Parents of teens across the nation were frantic Thursday as they struggled to understand the deadly consequences of the newest online viral challenge sweeping the web: Enlisting in the United States Military. "It's both frightening and sad," lamented Mother of three, Kim Pearce, who was forced by the new trend to sit down with her 18-year-old son...

GLENDORA, CA - 26-year-old hairdresser Candace Patterson sparked controversy Tuesday when she viciously reset the Netflix password she shared with long-time boyfriend Jake Quiller after learning he had cheated on her with her younger sister. "I’m not condoning what Jake did," said long time friend of the couple, Ashleigh Winfrey. "But I also don’t think she needed to react...