Local

Los Angeles, CA - In stark contrast to the countless unrequested penile photographs with which she was previously inundated, local hostess Sarah Halicki was pleasantly surprised to receive an aesthetically pleasing dick-pic Thursday night. "I typically hate dick-pics," Halicki explained. "They are a gross and offensive manifestation of male privilege and aggression. But I have to admit, this last...

Old Lady’s Basement, OH - Long sought after as the apex of pet-breeding, elite breeders Schroder & Simmons announced Tuesday they have successfully bred a cat whose features are as ugly as those of a human infant. The newly christened "Wrinkle Necked Toe head" is an utterly helpless hairless feline, so crusty, bloated and discolored, that people are compelled...

New York, NY - 35-year-old bar manager Conrad Richards was reportedly disturbed late Saturday, following a loud and vigorous sex-session with Tinder date, Lanitta Ellis, when he noticed her cat, less than three feet away, staring stoically at the exasperated couple. “I asked her how long he'd been layin' there all wide-eyed and frozen like that,” a shaken-up Richards relayed....

Burlington, Vermont - What started off as a perfectly normal Tuesday morning at the Main Street Delicatessen was turned upside down when U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders first ordered, then returned, a cup of lobster bisque soup. The soup, according to the Vermont Junior Senator, was just too damn hot. “It’s soup, it’s supposed to be hot," explained incredulous Main Street Deli...

Corpus Christi, TX - Parents of teens across the nation were frantic Thursday as they struggled to understand the deadly consequences of the newest online viral challenge sweeping the web: Enlisting in the United States Military. "It's both frightening and sad," lamented Mother of three, Kim Pearce, who was forced by the new trend to sit down with her 18-year-old son...

If this story doesn’t warm your heart, you are clearly a robot or a German - The heartbroken parents of 15-year-old Andrea Stith were desperate for answers after their beloved daughter was found asphyxiated in the trunk of her boyfriend’s car last week. Under the circumstances, they were naturally somewhat suspicious that foul play had occurred. That was until...

Lambertville, NJ - Local electrician Joseph Chapman was reportedly unsure how to proceed Tuesday as his friend's wedding, for which he received a save-the-date but not an actual invitation, draws near. "It's less than a month away and I know they already sent out invitations because I saw one on my buddy's fridge when I was at his cookout...

GLENDORA, CA - 26-year-old hairdresser Candace Patterson sparked controversy Tuesday when she viciously reset the Netflix password she shared with long-time boyfriend Jake Quiller after learning he had cheated on her with her younger sister. "I’m not condoning what Jake did," said long time friend of the couple, Ashleigh Winfrey. "But I also don’t think she needed to react...

Warren, MI - Multiple sources confirmed Tuesday that 28-year-old X-ray technician Dana Timmreck would be getting some serious action if only her five-year-old son Stefan were out of the picture. "I don’t want to be disrespectful to someone’s mother," neighbor David Smith explained. "But Dana has an amazing body. Especially considering she had a baby. It’s like you can’t...

I’m not a racist, but I don’t understand why black people keep complaining about being followed around my candle shop by security, when all they would have to do is buy something expensive immediately upon arrival so I’d know they aren’t a thief. Just the other day, this young African American woman walked into my store, loitered for over 90...