Local

I’m not a racist, but I don’t understand why black people keep complaining about being followed around my candle shop by security, when all they would have to do is buy something expensive immediately upon arrival so I’d know they aren’t a thief. Just the other day, this young African American woman walked into my store, loitered for over 90...

PHILADELPHIA, PA - Multiple Temple University students reported a disturbing incident of on-campus rudeness Friday afternoon. At least three sources confirmed that Brad Whiting, a 48 year-old campus maintenance worker, walked past Gretchen Childress, a young woman who was not smiling at all, and gallantly attempted to brighten her day by insisting that she do so. "It was so...

Spokane, WA - Despite his total dependence on his mother’s breasts for sustenance, 13-month-old Daniel Lawton is actually more of an ass-man according to friends and neighbors close to the precocious infant. "Most of us just take what we’re given and do what’s expected of us," explained 11-month-old playmate Anthony Tamashunas. "But Danny is different. He’s his own...

Detroit, MI - After months of deliberately avoiding listening to his drug dealer's demo, local barber Chris Delaponte reported Tuesday he was stunned to find that the group known as "Buttercup," fronted by ace illicit pharmaceutical entrepreneur Todd Filo, was actually really really good. "I was dreading listening to it," Delaponte explained. "'Cause I'm really bad at faking like I...

Cedar Park, TX - 15-year-old Ainsley Palmer was reportedly shocked Tuesday evening after discovering that her father’s comments on her Facebook post were actually pretty funny. “I love my dad,” Ainsley stated. “But he’s pretty lame, in general. So when I saw a notification pop up and thought of my all my friends seeing his corny puns and total...

Los Angeles, CA - Adam Miller shocked friends and family Tuesday when the 32-year-old freelance public relations rep heroically swiped right on the Tinder profile of a woman whom witnesses report had "only neck-up photos for him to go off of." "I’ve never seen anything like it," best friend, Leon McNally described. "She had a pretty face. But I...

Lambertville, NJ - Local electrician Joseph Chapman was reportedly unsure how to proceed Tuesday as his friend's wedding, for which he received a save-the-date but not an actual invitation, draws near. "It's less than a month away and I know they already sent out invitations because I saw one on my buddy's fridge when I was at his cookout...

Tacoma, WA - While most restaurants remain open for delivery or takeout, many states have now ordered-closed all buffet-style dining establishments as part of the effort to curb the spread of Covid 19, E. Coli, and the acute depression brought on by tasting artificial crab meat for the first time. In addition to the obvious benefits to...

GLENDORA, CA - 26-year-old hairdresser Candace Patterson sparked controversy Tuesday when she viciously reset the Netflix password she shared with long-time boyfriend Jake Quiller after learning he had cheated on her with her younger sister. "I’m not condoning what Jake did," said long time friend of the couple, Ashleigh Winfrey. "But I also don’t think she needed to react...

East Bay, CA - Insta-wife and mother of two, Maddison Klein, pleaded guilty Wednesday to lying to her 2,000+ Instagram followers by using misleading hashtags such as #soblessed, #livingmybestlife, and #besthubbyever under dozens of posts; when in fact, she was neither so blessed nor living her best life. Outside the courthouse Klein broke down in tears as she...