Local

Thousand Oaks, CA - Your Facebook friend, James, was in shock early Thursday morning after learning that a tragic mass shooting happened the previous night at an establishment, right across the street from the Ralphs where he has done his shopping on more than one occasion. "I have no words," revealed the traumatized young man at the beginning of his 116-word...

Santa Monica, CA - Local attorney Jason Koh delighted colleagues Monday with his witty and acerbic take on the inherent insecurity of women who get breast-implants. "I just can't take them seriously," Koh explained while leaning on his $90,000 Mercedes. "If God gave you little titties, just stay in shape, be confident and rock what you got," said the...

Chicago, IL - As the sun began to rise over a decadent Bridgeport house party Saturday morning, local server Dylan Christensen reported tremendous certainty that he in fact only needs one more bump. "I have a bit of a drive back to Ukrainian Village," Christensen relayed. "And I don't have to start the brunch shift for another four hours....

Bucks, PA — After over a month of meticulous planning, 27-year-old Kimberley Sweetin excitedly entered Home Depot Wednesday evening to get the tools and materials she needed for a DIY wine bar. "But what I’m really looking forward to", Sweetin explained, "is stopping what I’m doing multiple times to politely nod and smile at unsolicited advice from the lurking...

Cherry Hill, NJ - Following a string of tough setbacks, 31-year-old Jessie Boyer moved back in with her parents Friday only to make a miraculous finding in her childhood bedroom: Her long lost Tamagotchi virtual pet, missing for some 18 years, pinned against the wall behind her headboard... STILL ALIVE! “When I heard that faint beeping sound... I thought I...

Cedar Park, TX - 15-year-old Ainsley Palmer was reportedly shocked Tuesday evening after discovering that her father’s comments on her Facebook post were actually pretty funny. “I love my dad,” Ainsley stated. “But he’s pretty lame, in general. So when I saw a notification pop up and thought of my all my friends seeing his corny puns and total...

United States - In the wake of reports of a mass shooting currently in progress since early Monday morning August 1st, 1966, the Nation’s local law enforcement are urging residents within the perimeters of the entire country to stay inside until the suspects have been apprehended. “If you are between the 1200-block of...

BROOKLYN, NY- Up-and-coming local stand-up comic Edward Figone raised eyebrows Sunday evening when he left the hilarious comment: "#humblebrag" under Facebook friend, Leah Cooper’s post about how she had recently been sexually assaulted walking home from work. "I was just scrolling through the feed and the word ‘rape’ caught my eye," Figone explained. "She was blabbering on about how...

Amherst, NY - Local grad student Naureen Nayak, a homely young woman in possession of her parents' HBO Go password, has been inexplicably laid six Sundays in a row according to friends and neighbors. "I just don’t get it," mused neighbor Ryan Majewski. "Naureen is unfuckable even by drunk-male standards. Yet I heard her banging through the wall every...

Warren, MI - Multiple sources confirmed Tuesday that 28-year-old X-ray technician Dana Timmreck would be getting some serious action if only her five-year-old son Stefan were out of the picture. "I don’t want to be disrespectful to someone’s mother," neighbor David Smith explained. "But Dana has an amazing body. Especially considering she had a baby. It’s like you can’t...