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Tamagotchi Wedged Between Bed And Wall For Past 18 Years Survived By Eating Own Poop Emojis

Cherry Hill, NJ - Following a string of tough setbacks, 31-year-old Jessie Boyer moved back in with her parents Friday only to make a miraculous finding in her childhood bedroom: Her long lost Tamagotchi virtual pet, missing for some 18 years, pinned against the wall behind her headboard... STILL ALIVE! “When I heard that faint beeping sound... I thought I...

Climate Scientist Cashes In On Global Warming Hoax By Landing Sweet Adjunct Professor Gig

Medford, MA - 33 year-old climatologist Dr. Edward Hinson shrewdly cashed in on the widespread global warming hoax by landing a cushy adjunct professorship at Tufts University Thursday. Dr. Hinson, who has been perpetuating the junk science of climate change for nearly 11 years, once testified before congress about the dangers of sea level rise. He has also been...

STUDY: Phone At 17% Will Totally Last The Night

San Diego, CA - Researchers at the University of California San Diego published findings Thursday showing that local hostess Angela Howell’s Iphone, currently at 17%, will totally last the rest of the night. “We conducted several interviews with Ms. Howell just prior to her calling an Uber to meet her girlfriends out at the Onyx Room,” reported study director...

Nation’s Liberals Binge On Impeachment Porn

Minneapolis, MN - Shares of Pornhub rose 8% Friday as America's liberals continued their record-breaking consumption of VIVID MEDIA's newly released virtual reality porn series depicting the impeachment proceedings of President Donald John Trump. The first video in the series, titled "100 senators impeach the shit out of platinum blonde President," has garnered over 60 million views since its...

Hurricane Harvey Leaves Millions Of Texans Without Access To Fake News About Climate Change

Corpus Christi, TX - In the devastating aftermath of Hurricane Harvey, nearly four million Texans are without electricity and internet, cutting them off from the liberal media's relentless campaign to fool the nation into believing the unproven theory of man-made climate change. Residents of 17 Southeast Texas counties are, for the time being, safe from the manipulative fear-mongering of...

Study: Eating Just One Pistachio More Painful Than Childbirth

Ann Arbor, MI - Researchers at the University of Michigan Chronic Pain Research Center shocked the medical establishment Monday with the publication of a paper which concludes that eating only one pistachio is in fact more painful than childbirth. The research, conducted upon 906 subjects over an 18-month period, found that pistachio withdrawal registered slightly higher on the Wong-Baker...

STUDY: 58% of People At Your Office Have Fantasized About Killing You

Seattle, WA - An alarming new study published Thursday in the American Journal of Business Anthropology found that 58% of the people in your office have fantasized about killing you. The 18-month study, headed by Dr. Bethany Leaming of the University of Washington, used revolutionary techniques in inducing honesty with controlled doses of Sodium Pentothal, scopolamine, and MDMA. "Thoughts...

New Breed of Cat Designed To Be As Ugly As Human Baby

Old Lady’s Basement, OH - Long sought after as the apex of pet-breeding, elite breeders Schroder & Simmons announced Tuesday they have successfully bred a cat whose features are as ugly as those of a human infant. The newly christened "Wrinkle Necked Toe head" is an utterly helpless hairless feline, so crusty, bloated and discolored, that people are compelled...

Mother Earth Impatiently Awaits Human Extinction; Needs Some Time To Herself

Olduvai Gorge, Tanzania - During a tearful visit to the place she first met mankind, Mother Earth announced Tuesday that she has given up on her relationship with homo-sapiens. "I really tried to make it work," she explained. "In the early days, humanity was so good to me. It used to respect my boundaries and worship me like a...

EPA Goes On Bender; Drunk-Dials Ex

Washington D.C. - After months of escalating abuse, friends and family of the EPA reported Thursday that the agency finally snapped and went on an epic 2-day bender culminating in an embarrassing series of calls and texts to its ex. "It was a terrible thing to witness" said the State Department Monday. "After all the booze and coke was...