Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Haiti Issues Travel Ban On All ‘Shithole Presidents’

Port-au-Prince, Haiti - Haitian President Jovenel Moise stunned the international community Friday with the issuance of an executive order barring the entry of any and all 'shithole presidents' to the country. "Why would we as a nation wish to be visited by a hole, out of which comes shit?" asked President Moise. "A hole that spews the shit of so...

Steve Bannon Diagnosed With PTSD After Accidentally Pressing #2 For Spanish While Applying For Unemployment

Beverly Hills, CA - Renowned Psychiatrist Dr. Bernard Neagle confirmed Wednesday that recently fired Breitbart chief and former Whitehouse advisor Steve Bannon has indeed been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder following a horrifying incident in which Mr. Bannon accidentally pressed #2 for Spanish while applying for unemployment benefits over the phone. "Mr. Bannon was already in a very fragile psychological state due to...

Bannon Resigns From Breitbart To Spend More Time With Scotch

Brentwood, CA - Breitbart News Executive Chair and controversial right-wing firebrand Steve Bannon resigned Tuesday in the wake of the publication of a new book attributing to him numerous incendiary statements critical of President Trump and his family. In an apparent effort to put a positive spin on what is widely seen as an epic downfall, Bannon issued a statement...

ISIS Addresses Declining Martyr Recruitment By Upping Reward From 72 to 94 Virgins

In an unexpected and possibly desperate move, ISIS announced Wednesday that it is increasing its standard offer of 72 post-martyrdom virgins to a whopping 94. The nearly 25 percent increase in virgins is unprecedented in the history of jihad. The largest prior increase was decreed by the legendary sultan Saladin in 1186 when he offered 84 virgins in an effort...

Body Image Advocacy Group Demands Church Provide More “Realistic” Depictions of Christ

Vatican City - Members of Christian body image advocacy organization Christians for a Realistic Appearing Messiah (“CRAM”) have been picketing outside the Vatican since Tuesday in an effort to draw attention to their claim that the church’s depictions of key Holy Trinity member Jesus Christ as thin and physically fit have promoted unrealistic standards of beauty that have been...

Netflix Documentary On Net Neutrality Currently Unavailable

The Internet, Earth - Twitter was abuzz Tuesday with frustrated Netflix subscribers unable to access the controversial new documentary "The End of The Internet" about the impending death of Net Neutrality under new rules proposed by the Trump administration's Federal Communications Commission. "This fucking blows," complained Twitter user @anarchris. "I keep telling my roommate we need to upgrade to...

Twitter In Uproar After Majestic Cow Is Poached For Meat

Heilongjiang, China - A torrent of rage swirled through Twitter Saturday following news that American hunter Owen Jacobs and his son Owen Jr. illegally shot and killed Hungbae, a beautiful and majestic Chinese dairy cow, for beef and leather. “Hungbae still had years of milk harvesting ahead of her,” animal activist @AllAnimalsMatter tweeted. “And to see the senseless death of...

Hundreds Of Catholic Priests Resign To Pursue Careers As Alabama District Attorney

Gadsden, GA - In an unprecedented and mysterious wave of mass resignations, at least 358 Catholic priests from around the nation have left the church in the last six days to pursue new careers as DAs in Etowah County, Alabama. “I know it seems a bit odd,” confessed newly retired William O’Malley of Boston. “It means three grueling years of...

Jeff Sessions Announces Crackdown On Sanctuary Elephants

Temerloh, Malaysia - Noting the existential threat posed by undocumented southeast Asian elephants, Attorney general Jeff Sessions embarked upon a bold and dangerous mission Tuesday to kill as many of the vile beasts as possible before they could potentially cross the border into Alabama. “Real Americans are sick and tired of elites in places like Los Angeles and Kuala Lumpur...

Trump Shows Off New Fidget Spinner In Meeting With Trudeau

Washington D.C. - During an Oval Office meeting with the Canadian Prime Minister Wednesday morning, President Trump enthusiastically showed off his new red, white, and blue Fidget Spinner which was reportedly given to him by his Chief of Staff earlier that morning. "Have you seen this, Justin?" The President inquired. "These things are terrific. You just flick it like...