Twitter In Uproar After Majestic Cow Is Poached For Meat

Heilongjiang, China - A torrent of rage swirled through Twitter Saturday following news that American hunter Owen Jacobs and his son Owen Jr. illegally shot and killed Hungbae, a beautiful and majestic Chinese dairy cow, for beef and leather. “Hungbae still had years of milk harvesting ahead of her,” animal activist @AllAnimalsMatter tweeted. “And to see the senseless...

Hundreds Of Catholic Priests Resign To Pursue Careers As Alabama District Attorney

Gadsden, GA - In an unprecedented and mysterious wave of mass resignations, at least 358 Catholic priests from around the nation have left the church in the last six days to pursue new careers as DAs in Etowah County, Alabama. “I know it seems a bit odd,” confessed newly retired William O’Malley of Boston. “It means three grueling years of...

Jeff Sessions Announces Crackdown On Sanctuary Elephants

Temerloh, Malaysia - Noting the existential threat posed by undocumented southeast Asian elephants, Attorney general Jeff Sessions embarked upon a bold and dangerous mission Tuesday to kill as many of the vile beasts as possible before they could potentially cross the border into Alabama. “Real Americans are sick and tired of elites in places like Los Angeles and Kuala Lumpur...

Trump Shows Off New Fidget Spinner In Meeting With Trudeau

Washington D.C. - During an Oval Office meeting with the Canadian Prime Minister Wednesday morning, President Trump enthusiastically showed off his new red, white, and blue Fidget Spinner which was reportedly given to him by his Chief of Staff earlier that morning. "Have you seen this, Justin?" The President inquired. "These things are terrific. You just flick it like...

Climate Scientist Cashes In On Global Warming Hoax By Landing Sweet Adjunct Professor Gig

Medford, MA - 33 year-old climatologist Dr. Edward Hinson shrewdly cashed in on the widespread global warming hoax by landing a cushy adjunct professorship at Tufts University Thursday. Dr. Hinson, who has been perpetuating the junk science of climate change for nearly 11 years, once testified before congress about the dangers of sea level rise. He has also been...

Trump To Replace DREAM Act With Lucid Nightmare Act

Washington D.C.- Following the announcement Sunday that The White House would be terminating The Deferred Action on Childhood Arrivals ("DACA") program, otherwise known as The DREAM Act, President Trump urged congress Monday to pass his newly introduced replacement legislation, The Lucid Nightmare Act. Unlike The Dream Act, which protected young undocumented immigrants from deportation if they were brought to...

Nation’s Liberals Binge On Impeachment Porn

Minneapolis, MN - Shares of Pornhub rose 8% Friday as America's liberals continued their record-breaking consumption of VIVID MEDIA's newly released virtual reality porn series depicting the impeachment proceedings of President Donald John Trump. The first video in the series, titled "100 senators impeach the shit out of platinum blonde President," has garnered over 60 million views since its...

Hurricane Harvey Leaves Millions Of Texans Without Access To Fake News About Climate Change

Corpus Christi, TX - In the devastating aftermath of Hurricane Harvey, nearly four million Texans are without electricity and internet, cutting them off from the liberal media's relentless campaign to fool the nation into believing the unproven theory of man-made climate change. Residents of 17 Southeast Texas counties are, for the time being, safe from the manipulative fear-mongering of...

Master Race To Shift Extermination Efforts To Lice And Scabies

Pelham, NC - In a surprising shift of strategy, KKK Grand Wizard Justin Moore announced Tuesday his organization would pivot from its long-standing efforts to exterminate the mud races in order to focus all its attention on exterminating the lice and scabies with which its members are currently plagued. "There will always be time to eradicate the black and...

Tiki-Torch Filler Had No Idea What March Was About

Charlottesville, VA - 23-year-old Zach Lee, recent graduate of Eastern Mennonite University, pled for forgiveness Sunday following the publication of photos from the August 12 white nationalist march on Charlottesville in which he appears to be refilling the tiki-torches of the white supremacist marchers. "I had no idea what that event was about," Lee explained. "I just...