I have a hilarious idea for a headline; does Whiskeyleaks take submissions?
Great! Yes, we look forward to reading your headline. Just know that even if we love it, we still have thousands of headlines we already wrote that need to become articles. So if it’s not today’s news, we might put in the non-perishable que for someday when we’re feeling inspired; which could be tomorrow or in a year. Or never.
How do you credit contributors?
We, (Adam and Carla,) don’t even individually credit ourselves for specific articles because there is so much idea-bouncing and back-and-forth editing that it’s too tricky. And since it’s satire news, it’s often written from the perspective of a character, so it would take the meta-magic™ out of it if we were to put our names under articles. BUT if we do use your ideas, we’ll be sure to list your name in the about section as a general contributing writer and credit you in social media posts. You’re also welcome to brag about it all you want.
Will I get paid if you use my idea?
One magical day when we start making money we will hopefully be able to feed ourselves and also start paying fees to outside contributors. But for now, we are poor. And we are putting a shitload of our own time and money into this. So for the time being, if you submit material; you are giving us permission to use it without expectation of payment. Sucker!
So If I really like my idea, I should just go ahead and write a full article so you really get the genius of it, right?
Please don’t do that, unless it’s just for fun. Because if we don’t love the headline, you are just wasting your time. If you want to draft the article yourself, send us your headline and say, “I’d love to take a stab at an article,” and wait for the green light from us before proceeding. But also keep in mind that we will likely edit your draft of the article and headline anyway.
Do you guys really write these while drunk?
No. Despite our tag-line, writing drunk is for amateurs. We write all our articles while inside float-tanks on a very special drug cocktail consisting of Cocaine, Ketamine, Ambien and Bath Salts. But please do not try this at home. Unless you have a float-tank at home in which case you should definitely try this at home.
I really appreciate what you guys are doing. Can I buy you a drink?
One of your articles was really triggering. You see, my mom was murdered by a pistachio junkie in front of my eyes when I was three.
We are really sorry that happened. And there is nothing wrong with disliking a particular joke that hits too close to home. But pretty much everything that’s funny is a trigger to someone. Mocking a perspective does not mean we’re mocking people who are hurt by said perspective. We are trying to shine a light on some fucked up things, and we’re using humor to make our statement more digestible. We hope you can take what you like from Whiskeyleaks and leave the rest without any hard feelings.
I’d like to sue Whisleyleaks. How can I do that?
First you have to find a plaintiff’s attorney willing to take your case on contingency, ‘cause if you have time to sit around crying about something in a satirical news article, you probably don’t have a job or much of anything else going for you in your life. And we’re sorry about that. After you fail to find a lawyer willing to take your dog-shit case, you could decide to just sue us on your own. But that costs a whopping $435 just to file. Which, once again, we’re pretty sure you don’t have. So you should probably just go fuck yourself.