Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Teen Fatalities Mount In Wake of Viral “Military Enlistment” Challenge

Corpus Christi, TX - Parents of teens across the nation were frantic Thursday as they struggled to understand the deadly consequences of the newest online viral challenge sweeping the web: Enlisting in the United States Military. "It's both frightening and sad," lamented Mother of three, Kim Pearce, who was forced by the new trend to sit down with her 18-year-old son...

New iPhone OS Terms And Conditions Contract To Offer “Agree To Disagree” Option

In an apparent effort to appease unhappy iPhone users off-put by some of the more draconian clauses hidden in the most recent update of their operating system’s terms and conditions, Apple announced Monday that it plans to introduce a new “Agree To Disagree” option. “We simply cannot continue losing our loyal customers to our competitor and their far superior...

Tarantino Quits Star Trek Project After Learning N-word No Longer Used In 23rd Century

Los Angeles, CA - Citing a lack of creative freedom, super-star director Quentin Tarantino abruptly pulled out of the planned next installment of the Star Trek franchise after being informed Friday that the N-word no longer exists in Star Trek's Utopian 23rd century universe. "How am I supposed to express myself as a writer with such oppressive restrictions on the...

Netflix Documentary On Net Neutrality Currently Unavailable

The Internet, Earth - Twitter was abuzz Tuesday with frustrated Netflix subscribers unable to access the controversial new documentary "The End of The Internet" about the impending death of Net Neutrality under new rules proposed by the Trump administration's Federal Communications Commission. "This fucking blows," complained Twitter user @anarchris. "I keep telling my roommate we need to upgrade to...

Brian Dennehy Accused of Groping HoneyBaked Ham

Woodstock, CT - Yet another Hollywood figure has come under fire for inappropriate touching following new accusations that beloved character-actor Brian Dennehy groped a HoneyBaked ham at Thanksgiving dinner Thursday. "It was disgusting," reported Dennehy's niece Sandy who was preparing her own dinner plate only a few feet away from Dennehy at the time of the alleged assault."Before he cut...

Lena Dunham: “Some of My Best Friends Are Women”

Self-proclaimed feminist Lena Dunham has found herself in the midst of a yet another messy controversy following comments she made on twitter Monday defending her friend and co-worker Murray Miller after he was accused of rape by an actress, who was 17 at the time. The collective outrage toward Dunham did, however, seem to subside after the "Girls" creator...

Nicolas Cage Marks Himself “Safe” During Hollywood Witch Hunt

Las Vegas, NV - Friends, family, and admirers of Hollywood mega-star Nicolas Cage were relieved Monday morning to receive a Facebook notification from the National Treasure star marking himself “Safe” during the devastating Witch Hunt that has killed and injured the careers of countless powerful male celebrities and executives in recent weeks. “As a man, it has been beyond traumatizing...

Woody Allen: We Can’t Create An Atmosphere Where Every Girl Cries ‘Rape’ Just ’cause She Slept With Her Dad And Later Regretted It

Beverly Hills, CA - During a rare interview with Variety, legendary director Woody Allen commented for the first time on the Harvey Weinstein sex-abuse scandal which has rocked Hollywood to its core. "It's very tragic for the poor women involved," Allen explained. "But you also don't want to create an atmosphere where every girl cries rape just 'cause she...

O.J. Relieved To Finally Be Away From All Those Black People

After serving nine years in prison following his conviction for a 2007 armed robbery, newly released hall-of-fame running back O.J. Simpson reported Sunday that he is greatly relieved to finally be away from all those black people. "Here's the thing they don't tell you about prison," O.J. told reporters from his Brentwood golf course. "It's full of black people....

Report: Hugh Hefner Stiffest He’s Been In Years

Beverly Hills, CA - Less than 48 hours after the death of 91-year-old iconic Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner, many of those close to him reported great satisfaction at seeing the polyamorous porn-mogul stiffer than he had been in many years. Crystal Harris, Hefner's 31-year-old widow, told reporters this was the firmest she had ever seen her husband in the...