Entertainment

Christ Church, New Zealand - Filming of James Cameron's long-in-the-works Avatar sequels came to an abrupt halt Monday amid fears that no one gives a shit about sequels to Avatar.  "We really wanted to power through and at least finish one of them," lamented producer Jon Landau. "But the test for relevance came back...

Palm Beach, FL - In an effort to calm an increasingly panicked nation, President Trump announced Thursday his plan to address his fellow citizens directly with a series of evening “Fireside Tweets” in which he will explain in nuanced detail the causes of our present crisis and the steps that must be taken to end it. He...

Culver City, CA - Still reeling from his recent diagnoses with stage-4 pancreatic cancer, beloved quiz-show host Alex Trebek was dismayed Friday when God answered his morning prayer by insisting that he rephrase it in the form of a question. "Please, Father, don't let me die from cancer," Trebek humbly prayed. "If...

In wake of the release of two-part HBO Documentary "Leaving Neverland," Michael Jackson fans everywhere are reeling over compelling evidence that their hero is, in all likelihood, guilty of child molestation after all. But mostly they are just glad he's not alive to see this. "This is just awful guys. I always thought...

Nerds across the Nation were left reeling Monday on news of the death of Marvel Comics legend Stan Lee. The brokenhearted legion of mom's basement-dwellers took solace however in a rumor making the rounds on reddit that the Marvel master himself will make an annoyingly obvious and self-indulgent cameo appearance at his own funeral. Marvel Studios appeared to confirm the rumor Wednesday when they...

North Hollywood, CA - Resisting the urge to work on his two unfinished feature screenplays, unemployed writer Mark Patterson polished off a stellar re-write of his humble yet iconic Oscar acceptance speech on Tuesday. "Luck is for the ill-prepared," explained the Connecticut native who recently quit his job as an Apple Genius after realizing his genius was not being appreciated. "I'm...

From the earliest days of Pope Francis' reign, saint watchers pegged the wildly popular pontiff as a strong candidate for eventual canonization. Las Vegas bookmakers agree: the current money line odds on Francis' eventual sainthood are holding steady at a staggering -1000. It thus came as no surprise when, early Tuesday morning, the Roman Catholic College of Cardinals took the...

Thailand - Following a missed opportunity to use his high-tech, boy-sized, and unmistakably phallic submarine to traffic a group of eleven athletic young Thai boys trapped in a cave to safety; an ambitious engineer is turning to an age-old method of enticement: Candy! "I designed the submarine for this specific purpose. I consulted parents for measurements of their prepubescent sons...

Burbank, CA - Just hours after news broke that all 12 members of the Wild Boar soccer team, along with their coach, have been rescued from a cave in Thailand after two harrowing weeks, Legendary Entertainment has already secured the film rights to the story. Even more intriguing was a tweet from Matt Damon agent Patrick Whitesell revealing that the Goodwill...

Dating can be exhausting when you're an incel. After swiping left on 90 percent of Tinder profiles because the prospects are too fat, too tall, too ethnic, too old, too successful, too sexually experienced, wear too much make-up, have tattoos, are on a dating site, or have an inadequate hip-to-waist ratio; you are left with only a few acceptable...