Entertainment

Palm Beach, FL - In an effort to calm an increasingly panicked nation, President Trump announced Thursday his plan to address his fellow citizens directly with a series of evening “Fireside Tweets” in which he will explain in nuanced detail the causes of our present crisis and the steps that must be taken to end it. He...

North Hollywood, CA - Resisting the urge to work on his two unfinished feature screenplays, unemployed writer Mark Patterson polished off a stellar re-write of his humble yet iconic Oscar acceptance speech on Tuesday. "Luck is for the ill-prepared," explained the Connecticut native who recently quit his job as an Apple Genius after realizing his genius was not being appreciated. "I'm...

After serving nine years in prison following his conviction for a 2007 armed robbery, newly released hall-of-fame running back O.J. Simpson reported Sunday that he is greatly relieved to finally be away from all those black people. "Here's the thing they don't tell you about prison," O.J. told reporters from his Brentwood golf course. "It's full of black people....

Los Angeles, CA - 25-year-old exotic dancer Eden Hooper filed suit Monday against Jane Doe, recent recipient of a $1.1 million settlement from R&B singer Usher, alleging that she gave Usher the herpes virus he later transmitted to Doe. "She’s carrying a very specific version of that virus that he got from me," Hooper explained. "Although it wasn’t transmitted...

Culver City, CA - Still reeling from his recent diagnoses with stage-4 pancreatic cancer, beloved quiz-show host Alex Trebek was dismayed Friday when God answered his morning prayer by insisting that he rephrase it in the form of a question. "Please, Father, don't let me die from cancer," Trebek humbly prayed. "If...

Christ Church, New Zealand - Filming of James Cameron's long-in-the-works Avatar sequels came to an abrupt halt Monday amid fears that no one gives a shit about sequels to Avatar.  "We really wanted to power through and at least finish one of them," lamented producer Jon Landau. "But the test for relevance came back...

Amherst, NY - Local grad student Naureen Nayak, a homely young woman in possession of her parents' HBO Go password, has been inexplicably laid six Sundays in a row according to friends and neighbors. "I just don’t get it," mused neighbor Ryan Majewski. "Naureen is unfuckable even by drunk-male standards. Yet I heard her banging through the wall every...

Woodstock, CT - Yet another Hollywood figure has come under fire for inappropriate touching following new accusations that beloved character-actor Brian Dennehy groped a HoneyBaked ham at Thanksgiving dinner Thursday. "It was disgusting," reported Dennehy's niece Sandy who was preparing her own dinner plate only a few feet away from Dennehy at the time of the alleged assault."Before he cut...

Just three years ago, a debate over the color of a dress nearly broke the internet. Now, a four-second audio clip of the Greek keyboardist known as "Yanni" has sparked an even fiercer debate; leaving best friends questioning each others’ sanity, 20-year marriages ending, and in a few cases, people emptying bottles of Drano into their own ears. Listen to...

Burbank, CA - Just hours after news broke that all 12 members of the Wild Boar soccer team, along with their coach, have been rescued from a cave in Thailand after two harrowing weeks, Legendary Entertainment has already secured the film rights to the story. Even more intriguing was a tweet from Matt Damon agent Patrick Whitesell revealing that the Goodwill...