Nicolas Cage Marks Himself “Safe” During Hollywood Witch Hunt
Las Vegas, NV - Friends, family, and admirers of Hollywood mega-star Nicolas Cage were relieved Monday morning to receive a Facebook notification from the National Treasure star marking himself “Safe” during the devastating Witch Hunt that has killed and injured the careers of countless powerful male celebrities and executives in recent weeks.
“As a man, it has been beyond traumatizing...
Internet Divided Over Whether Yanni Sounds Like Music Or Ear Torture
Just three years ago, a debate over the color of a dress nearly broke the internet. Now, a four-second audio clip of the Greek keyboardist known as "Yanni" has sparked an even fiercer debate; leaving best friends questioning each others’ sanity, 20-year marriages ending, and in a few cases, people emptying bottles of Drano into their own ears.
Listen to...
Amazon No Longer Largest Streaming Service Following Netflix’s Purchase of The Nile
Luxor, Egypt - Unsatisfied with its status as the second biggest streaming service in the world, Netflix announced Friday it has reached agreements with the governments of Egypt and Sudan to purchase the Nile for a reported $12.8 billion in cash and stock. The aggressive move is the latest in a vicious territorial battle between two media giants. "For...
McGregor Vows Not To Lose Decision By More Than 20 Points
“I’m the greatest MMA fighter of all time and I’ve recently learned the rules of boxing. There’s no way Floyd is gonna beat me by more than 20 points.”
Unemployed Screenwriter Puts Finishing Touches On 6th Draft of Oscar Acceptance Speech
North Hollywood, CA - Resisting the urge to work on his two unfinished feature screenplays, unemployed writer Mark Patterson polished off a stellar re-write of his humble yet iconic Oscar acceptance speech on Tuesday.
"Luck is for the ill-prepared," explained the Connecticut native who recently quit his job as an Apple Genius after realizing his genius was not being appreciated. "I'm...
Woody Allen: We Can’t Create An Atmosphere Where Every Girl Cries ‘Rape’ Just ’cause She Slept With Her Dad And Later Regretted It
Beverly Hills, CA - During a rare interview with Variety, legendary director Woody Allen commented for the first time on the Harvey Weinstein sex-abuse scandal which has rocked Hollywood to its core. "It's very tragic for the poor women involved," Allen explained. "But you also don't want to create an atmosphere where every girl cries rape just 'cause she...
Stripper Who Gave Usher Herpes Sues For Royalties
Los Angeles, CA - 25-year-old exotic dancer Eden Hooper filed suit Monday against Jane Doe, recent recipient of a $1.1 million settlement from R&B singer Usher, alleging that she gave Usher the herpes virus he later transmitted to Doe. "She’s carrying a very specific version of that virus that he got from me," Hooper explained. "Although it wasn’t transmitted...
Brian Dennehy Accused of Groping HoneyBaked Ham
Woodstock, CT - Yet another Hollywood figure has come under fire for inappropriate touching following new accusations that beloved character-actor Brian Dennehy groped a HoneyBaked ham at Thanksgiving dinner Thursday.
"It was disgusting," reported Dennehy's niece Sandy who was preparing her own dinner plate only a few feet away from Dennehy at the time of the alleged assault."Before he cut...
Electronic Supergroup ‘Flying Flotus’ To Release Surprise Album
Los Angeles, CA - Experimental Electronic music fans around the world were thrilled this morning with the announcement that Supergroup FLYING FLOTUS will be dropping a surprise record at midnight tonight. The group, comprised of iconic producer Flying Lotus and First Lady of the United States Melania Trump, has reportedly been working on the album in secret at a...
Netflix Documentary On Net Neutrality Currently Unavailable
The Internet, Earth - Twitter was abuzz Tuesday with frustrated Netflix subscribers unable to access the controversial new documentary "The End of The Internet" about the impending death of Net Neutrality under new rules proposed by the Trump administration's Federal Communications Commission. "This fucking blows," complained Twitter user @anarchris. "I keep telling my roommate we need to upgrade to...