Sunday, June 15, 2025

The New Yorker Sues Make-A-Wish Foundation Over Guarantee Andy Borowitz Had 3 Months To Live

New York, NY - Attorneys for The New Yorker magazine filed suit Monday against Make-A-Wish Foundation, alleging the charitable organization falsely promised in 2012 that "satirical" news writer Andy Borowitz had only three months to live. The New Yorker claims they detrimentally relied on this promise when they allowed Borowitz to begin publishing his god-awful attempts at satire on...

Teen Fatalities Mount In Wake of Viral “Military Enlistment” Challenge

Corpus Christi, TX - Parents of teens across the nation were frantic Thursday as they struggled to understand the deadly consequences of the newest online viral challenge sweeping the web: Enlisting in the United States Military. "It's both frightening and sad," lamented Mother of three, Kim Pearce, who was forced by the new trend to sit down with her 18-year-old son...

Netflix Documentary On Net Neutrality Currently Unavailable

The Internet, Earth - Twitter was abuzz Tuesday with frustrated Netflix subscribers unable to access the controversial new documentary "The End of The Internet" about the impending death of Net Neutrality under new rules proposed by the Trump administration's Federal Communications Commission. "This fucking blows," complained Twitter user @anarchris. "I keep telling my roommate we need to upgrade to...

Stan Lee Expected To Make Annoying Cameo At Own Funeral

Nerds across the Nation were left reeling Monday on news of the death of Marvel Comics legend Stan Lee. The brokenhearted legion of mom's basement-dwellers took solace however in a rumor making the rounds on reddit that the Marvel master himself will make an annoyingly obvious and self-indulgent cameo appearance at his own funeral. Marvel Studios appeared to confirm the rumor Wednesday when they...

Stopping Priests From Molesting Children Conspicuously Absent From Church’s List of Pope’s Miracles

From the earliest days of Pope Francis' reign, saint watchers pegged the wildly popular pontiff as a strong candidate for eventual canonization. Las Vegas bookmakers agree: the current money line odds on Francis' eventual sainthood are holding steady at a staggering -1000. It thus came as no surprise when, early Tuesday morning, the Roman Catholic College of Cardinals took the...

Fans Just Glad Michael Jackson Not Alive To See He’s A Pedophile

In wake of the release of two-part HBO Documentary "Leaving Neverland," Michael Jackson fans everywhere are reeling over compelling evidence that their hero is, in all likelihood, guilty of child molestation after all. But mostly they are just glad he's not alive to see this. "This is just awful guys. I always thought...

Eccentric Billionaire Uses Sweets To Lure Young Boys Into Tiny Submarine

Thailand - Following a missed opportunity to use his high-tech, boy-sized, and unmistakably phallic submarine to traffic a group of eleven athletic young Thai boys trapped in a cave to safety; an ambitious engineer is turning to an age-old method of enticement: Candy! "I designed the submarine for this specific purpose. I consulted parents for measurements of their prepubescent sons...

Nicolas Cage Marks Himself “Safe” During Hollywood Witch Hunt

Las Vegas, NV - Friends, family, and admirers of Hollywood mega-star Nicolas Cage were relieved Monday morning to receive a Facebook notification from the National Treasure star marking himself “Safe” during the devastating Witch Hunt that has killed and injured the careers of countless powerful male celebrities and executives in recent weeks. “As a man, it has been beyond traumatizing...

Matt Damon Rumored To Play 4 Thai Navy Seals In Upcoming Cave-Rescue Film

Burbank, CA - Just hours after news broke that all 12 members of the Wild Boar soccer team, along with their coach, have been rescued from a cave in Thailand after two harrowing weeks, Legendary Entertainment has already secured the film rights to the story. Even more intriguing was a tweet from Matt Damon agent Patrick Whitesell revealing that the Goodwill...

Woody Allen: We Can’t Create An Atmosphere Where Every Girl Cries ‘Rape’ Just ’cause She Slept With Her Dad And Later Regretted It

Beverly Hills, CA - During a rare interview with Variety, legendary director Woody Allen commented for the first time on the Harvey Weinstein sex-abuse scandal which has rocked Hollywood to its core. "It's very tragic for the poor women involved," Allen explained. "But you also don't want to create an atmosphere where every girl cries rape just 'cause she...