Las Vegas, NV – Friends, family, and admirers of Hollywood mega-star Nicolas Cage were relieved Monday morning to receive a Facebook notification from the National Treasure star marking himself “Safe” during the devastating Witch Hunt that has killed and injured the careers of countless powerful male celebrities and executives in recent weeks.
“As a man, it has been beyond traumatizing to find out that someone you looked up to is being forced to confront his past hurtful actions towards women,” lamented relieved Cage fan, Riley Henderson. “I just keep thinking, ‘who’s next?’ I’m glad to know that Nick Cage is just a generally creepy dude and apparently not an abuser. I’d be shattered if Ghost Rider 3 couldn’t happen because of political correctness run amok in Hollywood.”
The recent take-downs of mogul Harvey Weinstein, oscar-winner Kevin Spacey, and Comedian Louis C.K., have created a historically hostile climate in which the majority of abuse victims’ stories are being taken seriously for the first time. Many powerful male celebrities have reported feeling unsafe in what Woody Allen has described as a “Salem environment.”
When reached for comment, Mr. Cage’s publicist stated that the star was unaware of any sex-abuse scandal but rather marked himself “safe” during an acid trip in which he flashed-back to the shooting of film in which he was being chased while dressed like a witch. As of press time, it was still unclear whether Mr. Cage flashed-back on “Season of the Witch” or “The Wicker Man.”