Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Teen Fatalities Mount In Wake of Viral “Military Enlistment” Challenge

Corpus Christi, TX - Parents of teens across the nation were frantic Thursday as they struggled to understand the deadly consequences of the newest online viral challenge sweeping the web: Enlisting in the United States Military. "It's both frightening and sad," lamented Mother of three, Kim Pearce, who was forced by the new trend to sit down with her 18-year-old son...

Heroic Veteran of The War On Christmas Refuses To Take Down Lights Before March

Birmingham, AL - Proud republican husband and father, and veteran of the ongoing War On Christmas, William Allen inspired Christians nationwide with his announcement Tuesday that he would not be removing the Christmas lights from his front yard until late March, or whenever Easter takes place this year. "Until the last flake of Christmas snow has fallen and melted on American...

Local Man Genuinely Likes His Drug Dealer’s Band

Detroit, MI - After months of deliberately avoiding listening to his drug dealer's demo, local barber Chris Delaponte reported Tuesday he was stunned to find that the group known as "Buttercup," fronted by ace illicit pharmaceutical entrepreneur Todd Filo, was actually really really good. "I was dreading listening to it," Delaponte explained. "'Cause I'm really bad at faking like I...

Couple Who Just finished Sex Pretty Sure Cat There Whole Time

New York, NY - 35-year-old bar manager Conrad Richards was reportedly disturbed late Saturday, following a loud and vigorous sex-session with Tinder date, Lanitta Ellis, when he noticed her cat, less than three feet away, staring stoically at the exasperated couple. “I asked her how long he'd been layin' there all wide-eyed and frozen like that,” a shaken-up Richards relayed....

Beautiful! Teen Thought Murdered Until Parents Found Her Suicide Pinterest Page

Whiskeyleaks.net
If this story doesn’t warm your heart, you are clearly a robot or a German - The heartbroken parents of 15-year-old Andrea Stith were desperate for answers after their beloved daughter was found asphyxiated in the trunk of her boyfriend’s car last week. Under the circumstances, they were naturally somewhat suspicious that foul play had occurred. That was until...

Report: Dad’s Comments On Facebook Actually Pretty Funny

Cedar Park, TX - 15-year-old Ainsley Palmer was reportedly shocked Tuesday evening after discovering that her father’s comments on her Facebook post were actually pretty funny. “I love my dad,” Ainsley stated. “But he’s pretty lame, in general. So when I saw a notification pop up and thought of my all my friends seeing his corny puns and total...

Tamagotchi Wedged Between Bed And Wall For Past 18 Years Survived By Eating Own Poop Emojis

Cherry Hill, NJ - Following a string of tough setbacks, 31-year-old Jessie Boyer moved back in with her parents Friday only to make a miraculous finding in her childhood bedroom: Her long lost Tamagotchi virtual pet, missing for some 18 years, pinned against the wall behind her headboard... STILL ALIVE! “When I heard that faint beeping sound... I thought I...

Disgraced Woman Admits Exaggerating How Blessed She Is On Instagram

East Bay, CA - Insta-wife and mother of two, Maddison Klein, pleaded guilty Wednesday to lying to her 2,000+ Instagram followers by using misleading hashtags such as #soblessed, #livingmybestlife, and #besthubbyever under dozens of posts; when in fact, she was neither so blessed nor living her best life. Outside the courthouse Klein broke down in tears as she...

Single Mother Could Get So Much Action With Son Out of Way

Warren, MI - Multiple sources confirmed Tuesday that 28-year-old X-ray technician Dana Timmreck would be getting some serious action if only her five-year-old son Stefan were out of the picture. "I don’t want to be disrespectful to someone’s mother," neighbor David Smith explained. "But Dana has an amazing body. Especially considering she had a baby. It’s like you can’t...

Man Who Received Save-The-Date But Not Actual Invitation Unsure How To Proceed

Lambertville, NJ - Local electrician Joseph Chapman was reportedly unsure how to proceed Tuesday as his friend's wedding, for which he received a save-the-date but not an actual invitation, draws near. "It's less than a month away and I know they already sent out invitations because I saw one on my buddy's fridge when I was at his cookout...