Gadsden, GA – In an unprecedented and mysterious wave of mass resignations, at least 358 Catholic priests from around the nation have left the church in the last six days to pursue new careers as DAs in Etowah County, Alabama.
“I know it seems a bit odd,” confessed newly retired William O’Malley of Boston. “It means three grueling years of school and spending the rest of my life sadistically enforcing draconian laws that disproportionately punish the same poor people I have thus far spent my life trying to help. But also they apparently let you fuck 14-year-olds here. And I’m only human.”
Officials at The University of Alabama, Samford, and Faulkner University Law Schools confirmed that they have indeed received an unprecedented number of early applications from former clergymen. “It’s not unusual for us to have a few former Baptist preachers in our law classes,” explained Dean Joe Coyle of Alabama. “But I don’t believe we’ve ever had a Catholic priest. And strangely, they all wanna be prosecutors. They know we have the death penalty here, right?”
Several of the new Alabama DA-hopefuls expressed mixed emotions about such a sudden radical change in the trajectory of their lives. But the common thread shared by all seemed to be the hope that one day they could live in a community that accepts them for who they are; free of any shame or judgement: “I didn’t know there was any place left in this country where a man in a position of moral authority could have sex with the adolescent of his choosing and still retain the total support of his community,” former Father Gino Caruso explained through tears. “But Judge Moore showed us the way… The way to Alabama. Where I can finally be me! With no apologies.”