Ann Arbor, MI – Researchers at the University of Michigan Chronic Pain Research Center shocked the medical establishment Monday with the publication of a paper which concludes that eating only one pistachio is in fact more painful than childbirth. The research, conducted upon 906 subjects over an 18-month period, found that pistachio withdrawal registered slightly higher on the Wong-Baker FACES® Pain Rating Scale than having your vagina ripped open from the inside.

“Childbirth, closely followed by kidney stones, has long been considered the most excruciating experience common to human beings,” explained Study Director Dr. Daniel Callow. “But this research has opened our eyes to the less-obvious psychological agony caused by the denial of a second salty savory morsel. The evidence is now indisputable: all 906 subjects circled the ‘hurts worst’ sad-face on the survey immediately after we took the bowl away.”

A follow-up clinical study is currently underway exploring the effectiveness of administering childbirth and urolithiasis as experimental methods of pain management. Doctors hope that distracting patients via simultaneous infliction of slightly milder forms of pain will cause the pain centers of the brain to compensate by raising the patient’s pain threshold to a “hurt’s worst” sad-face level.

Actual graphic of study results: