LAFP Announces Controlled Burn of Homeless To Slow Spread of Typhus And Hep-A
Los Angeles, CA – The Los Angeles County Fire Department announced plans Monday to join in the City’s effort to prevent the recent outbreaks of Hepatitis A and Typhus from reaching epidemic levels by conducting carefully controlled burns of the county's homeless population.
"We're starting with Skid Row, obviously," explained LAFP Chief Dale Mahorn. "But ultimately, if we're really taking...
Bannon Resigns From Breitbart To Spend More Time With Scotch
Brentwood, CA - Breitbart News Executive Chair and controversial right-wing firebrand Steve Bannon resigned Tuesday in the wake of the publication of a new book attributing to him numerous incendiary statements critical of President Trump and his family. In an apparent effort to put a positive spin on what is widely seen as an epic downfall, Bannon issued a statement...
Trump Presents Putin With Ceremonial Seized Baby
Helsinki, Finland - In a grand diplomatic gesture unseen since ancient Aztec times, President Trump graciously gifted a recently seized 10-month-old Guatemalan baby to Russian President Vladamir Putin at their historic Helsinki summit on Monday. "We had these terrific babies in cages," Trump explained at the press conference. "So I said to my people: Why don't we share them with our friends? Because...
OP-ED: I Am an Independent, Impartial Judge of Beer
By Bart O'Kavanaugh
I was deeply honored to stand at the White House July 9 with my wife, Whatsherface, and my daughters, they know who they are, to accept President Trump’s nomination to succeed my former boss and total fucking madman Justice Anthony Kennedy, on the United States Supreme Court of Beer. My mom, who I call Mom—one of the...
White House Unveils Festive Christmas Cross
Washington D.C. - In a bold departure from Christmas tradition, the White House unveiled a festive burning lawn-cross as part of its Holiday decorations Tuesday. The First Lady's office described the motif: "The choice of orange flame on wooden cross represents both the eternal flame of Christ's kingdom as well as the fiery depths of Hell from which Lord Satan monitors all...
President Comforts Nation With Fireside Tweets
Palm Beach, FL - In an effort to calm an increasingly panicked nation, President Trump announced Thursday his plan to address his fellow citizens directly with a series of evening “Fireside Tweets” in which he will explain in nuanced detail the causes of our present crisis and the steps that must be taken to end it. He...
Endorsement: Mike Bloomberg Is The Only Candidate With The Integrity And Resources To Keep Paying Us After He Loses
We at Whiskeyleaks have worked hard to establish a reputation for integrity and truth-seeking in our hard-hitting journalism. We've always found it best to avoid political affiliations as not to give our critics ammunition with which to impugn our objectivity. However, this presidential election is different. The stakes have never been higher and we quite literally cannot...
Body Image Advocacy Group Demands Church Provide More “Realistic” Depictions of Christ
Vatican City - Members of Christian body image advocacy organization Christians for a Realistic Appearing Messiah (“CRAM”) have been picketing outside the Vatican since Tuesday in an effort to draw attention to their claim that the church’s depictions of key Holy Trinity member Jesus Christ as thin and physically fit have promoted unrealistic standards of beauty that have been...