Politics

Port-au-Prince, Haiti - Haitian President Jovenel Moise stunned the international community Friday with the issuance of an executive order barring the entry of any and all 'shithole presidents' to the country. "Why would we as a nation wish to be visited by a hole, out of which comes shit?" asked President Moise. "A hole that spews the shit of so...

From the earliest days of Pope Francis' reign, saint watchers pegged the wildly popular pontiff as a strong candidate for eventual canonization. Las Vegas bookmakers agree: the current money line odds on Francis' eventual sainthood are holding steady at a staggering -1000. It thus came as no surprise when, early Tuesday morning, the Roman Catholic College of Cardinals took the...

After much speculation, The United States of America has officially come out as an Authoritarian Kleptocracy. In an interview with ABC News' Diane Sawyer which will air this Friday evening, the former democratic republic confirmed what many had long suspected: "I believe that checks and balances are inefficient and counter-productive," The U.S. stated. "And I don't care who knows...

Charlottesville, VA - 23-year-old Zach Lee, recent graduate of Eastern Mennonite University, pled for forgiveness Sunday following the publication of photos from the August 12 white nationalist march on Charlottesville in which he appears to be refilling the tiki-torches of the white supremacist marchers. "I had no idea what that event was about," Lee explained. "I just...

Washington D.C. - As their father prepared to leave on a 17-day golf vacation Friday evening, Eric and Donald Trump Jr. commenced detailed planning of an epic party to be thrown at the White House as soon as the old man’s gone. “Donnie has been waiting for this since the day his Dad got elected,” reported a White House...

Medford, MA - 33 year-old climatologist Dr. Edward Hinson shrewdly cashed in on the widespread global warming hoax by landing a cushy adjunct professorship at Tufts University Thursday. Dr. Hinson, who has been perpetuating the junk science of climate change for nearly 11 years, once testified before congress about the dangers of sea level rise. He has also been...

Burlington, Vermont - What started off as a perfectly normal Tuesday morning at the Main Street Delicatessen was turned upside down when U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders first ordered, then returned, a cup of lobster bisque soup. The soup, according to the Vermont Junior Senator, was just too damn hot. “It’s soup, it’s supposed to be hot," explained incredulous Main Street Deli...

Palm Beach, FL - In an effort to calm an increasingly panicked nation, President Trump announced Thursday his plan to address his fellow citizens directly with a series of evening “Fireside Tweets” in which he will explain in nuanced detail the causes of our present crisis and the steps that must be taken to end it. He...

Heilongjiang, China - A torrent of rage swirled through Twitter Saturday following news that American hunter Owen Jacobs and his son Owen Jr. illegally shot and killed Hungbae, a beautiful and majestic Chinese dairy cow, for beef and leather. “Hungbae still had years of milk harvesting ahead of her,” animal activist @AllAnimalsMatter tweeted. “And to see the senseless death of...

Corpus Christi, TX - In the devastating aftermath of Hurricane Harvey, nearly four million Texans are without electricity and internet, cutting them off from the liberal media's relentless campaign to fool the nation into believing the unproven theory of man-made climate change. Residents of 17 Southeast Texas counties are, for the time being, safe from the manipulative fear-mongering of...