Politics

Olduvai Gorge, Tanzania - During a tearful visit to the place she first met mankind, Mother Earth announced Tuesday that she has given up on her relationship with homo-sapiens. "I really tried to make it work," she explained. "In the early days, humanity was so good to me. It used to respect my boundaries and worship me like a...

Washington D.C. - Despite resistance from Senate Democrats, it appears likely that the confirmation of Supreme Court Justice nominee Brett Kavanaugh will create unprecedented diversity among the court's sexual predators. "While I oppose the appointment of any justice made simply on the basis of his status as a sexual predator, Justice Kavanaugh just happens to be fully qualified for the position," opined...

Beverly Hills, CA - Renowned Psychiatrist Dr. Bernard Neagle confirmed Wednesday that recently fired Breitbart chief and former Whitehouse advisor Steve Bannon has indeed been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder following a horrifying incident in which Mr. Bannon accidentally pressed #2 for Spanish while applying for unemployment benefits over the phone. "Mr. Bannon was already in a very fragile psychological state due to...

Temerloh, Malaysia - Noting the existential threat posed by undocumented southeast Asian elephants, Attorney general Jeff Sessions embarked upon a bold and dangerous mission Tuesday to kill as many of the vile beasts as possible before they could potentially cross the border into Alabama. “Real Americans are sick and tired of elites in places like Los Angeles and Kuala Lumpur...

Washington D.C.- Following the announcement Sunday that The White House would be terminating The Deferred Action on Childhood Arrivals ("DACA") program, otherwise known as The DREAM Act, President Trump urged congress Monday to pass his newly introduced replacement legislation, The Lucid Nightmare Act. Unlike The Dream Act, which protected young undocumented immigrants from deportation if they were brought to...

Long Island, NY - Newly appointed White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci shocked observers Friday afternoon when he behaved like a perfect gentleman at the back-yard tea party he attended with his 6-year-old daughter and her friends. Witnesses reported hearing not a single cuss, insult, or death threat from Scaramucci at any point during the lovely event. "Yeah, I...

Washington D.C. - After months of escalating abuse, friends and family of the EPA reported Thursday that the agency finally snapped and went on an epic 2-day bender culminating in an embarrassing series of calls and texts to its ex. "It was a terrible thing to witness" said the State Department Monday. "After all the booze and coke was...

Washington, D.C. - According to a study published by Pew Research Center this week, most Americans cited fear of liberals breaking into their home and taking their guns as the number one reason for keeping a loaded gun by their bed. The study, which was based on interviews with nearly 20,000 gun owners across 28 states,  revealed a variety of motivations for purchasing...

Burlington, Vermont - What started off as a perfectly normal Tuesday morning at the Main Street Delicatessen was turned upside down when U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders first ordered, then returned, a cup of lobster bisque soup. The soup, according to the Vermont Junior Senator, was just too damn hot. “It’s soup, it’s supposed to be hot," explained incredulous Main Street Deli...

In an unexpected and possibly desperate move, ISIS announced Wednesday that it is increasing its standard offer of 72 post-martyrdom virgins to a whopping 94. The nearly 25 percent increase in virgins is unprecedented in the history of jihad. The largest prior increase was decreed by the legendary sultan Saladin in 1186 when he offered 84 virgins in an effort...