Politics

Washington D.C.- Following the announcement Sunday that The White House would be terminating The Deferred Action on Childhood Arrivals ("DACA") program, otherwise known as The DREAM Act, President Trump urged congress Monday to pass his newly introduced replacement legislation, The Lucid Nightmare Act. Unlike The Dream Act, which protected young undocumented immigrants from deportation if they were brought to...

Earth - Financial markets fell world-wide Tuesday following threats of nuclear attack made by an utterly delusional world leader with an awful haircut who demands unflinching loyalty to feed his pathological narcissism to mask his crippling insecurity. The leader, who many have described as a giant baby desperate for the love and approval of his people, emphasized the extraordinary...

Olduvai Gorge, Tanzania - During a tearful visit to the place she first met mankind, Mother Earth announced Tuesday that she has given up on her relationship with homo-sapiens. "I really tried to make it work," she explained. "In the early days, humanity was so good to me. It used to respect my boundaries and worship me like a...

Burlington, Vermont - What started off as a perfectly normal Tuesday morning at the Main Street Delicatessen was turned upside down when U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders first ordered, then returned, a cup of lobster bisque soup. The soup, according to the Vermont Junior Senator, was just too damn hot. “It’s soup, it’s supposed to be hot," explained incredulous Main Street Deli...

In an unexpected and possibly desperate move, ISIS announced Wednesday that it is increasing its standard offer of 72 post-martyrdom virgins to a whopping 94. The nearly 25 percent increase in virgins is unprecedented in the history of jihad. The largest prior increase was decreed by the legendary sultan Saladin in 1186 when he offered 84 virgins in an effort...

Port-au-Prince, Haiti - Haitian President Jovenel Moise stunned the international community Friday with the issuance of an executive order barring the entry of any and all 'shithole presidents' to the country. "Why would we as a nation wish to be visited by a hole, out of which comes shit?" asked President Moise. "A hole that spews the shit of so...

Washington D.C. - Newly leaked transcripts of the Senate testimony of Donald Trump Jr. reveal that the president's firstborn had his allowance cut in half following an incident in the Fall of 2017 in which Don Jr. allegedly told his father how the third season of Narcos ends before the President had a chance to watch the finale for himself. "I do not...

Washington D.C. - In an utterly predictable move, leftist cuck Jeff Sessions betrayed his president Thursday by issuing a statement in support of the integrity of the United States Department of Justice, a virulently biased anti-trump organization which he currently heads. "While I am Attorney General, the actions of the Department of Justice will not be improperly influenced by political...

Washington D.C. - In the wake of Justice Anthony Kennedy's retirement announcement, liberals nationwide have begun stockpiling abortions and same-sex marriages at an unprecedented rate. Data released Monday by Planned Parenthood and multiple state governments shows that Americans bought nearly three million abortions and gay marriages in just the last 12 days. "It's bad for the country, but good for business,"...