Tiki-Torch Filler Had No Idea What March Was About
Charlottesville, VA - 23-year-old Zach Lee, recent graduate of Eastern Mennonite University, pled for forgiveness Sunday following the publication of photos from the August 12 white nationalist march on Charlottesville in which he appears to be refilling the tiki-torches of the white supremacist marchers.
"I had no idea what that event was about," Lee explained. "I just...
Hurricane Harvey Leaves Millions Of Texans Without Access To Fake News About Climate Change
Corpus Christi, TX - In the devastating aftermath of Hurricane Harvey, nearly four million Texans are without electricity and internet, cutting them off from the liberal media's relentless campaign to fool the nation into believing the unproven theory of man-made climate change. Residents of 17 Southeast Texas counties are, for the time being, safe from the manipulative fear-mongering of...
Breaking: Active Shooter In U.S.
United States - In the wake of reports of a mass shooting currently in progress since early Monday morning August 1st, 1966, the Nation’s local law enforcement are urging residents within the perimeters of the entire country to stay inside until the suspects have been apprehended.
“If you are between the 1200-block of...
Netflix Documentary On Net Neutrality Currently Unavailable
The Internet, Earth - Twitter was abuzz Tuesday with frustrated Netflix subscribers unable to access the controversial new documentary "The End of The Internet" about the impending death of Net Neutrality under new rules proposed by the Trump administration's Federal Communications Commission. "This fucking blows," complained Twitter user @anarchris. "I keep telling my roommate we need to upgrade to...
Giuliani: President’s Self-Pardon Power Has Absolutely Nothing To Do With Him Having Murdered Melania
Washington D.C. - Continuing his whirlwind media tour, President Trump's counsel Rudy Giuliani told ABC News Tuesday that the President "probably" has the power to pardon himself for any crime: "The constitution puts no limits on the President's explicit power to pardon any person accused of a crime in the United States," Giuliani Explained. "And trust me, this has nothing...
Don Jr. Has No Recollection of Telling Father How Third Season of Narcos Ends
Washington D.C. - Newly leaked transcripts of the Senate testimony of Donald Trump Jr. reveal that the president's firstborn had his allowance cut in half following an incident in the Fall of 2017 in which Don Jr. allegedly told his father how the third season of Narcos ends before the President had a chance to watch the finale for himself.
"I do not...
Bernie Sanders Sends Back Soup
Burlington, Vermont - What started off as a perfectly normal Tuesday morning at the Main Street Delicatessen was turned upside down when U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders first ordered, then returned, a cup of lobster bisque soup. The soup, according to the Vermont Junior Senator, was just too damn hot.
“It’s soup, it’s supposed to be hot," explained incredulous Main Street Deli...
President Denounces Hate On All Sides Of Hate Crime
Bedminster, NJ - With golf course flags at half-mast, the President of the United States unequivocally denounced the barbarous violence perpetrated by all sides in the brutal murder Saturday of a counter-protester at a white-nationalist rally in Charlottesville, NC. According to the President, white supremacist James Alex Fields Jr's act of driving his 2010 Dodge Challenger into a crowd...
White House Unveils Festive Christmas Cross
Washington D.C. - In a bold departure from Christmas tradition, the White House unveiled a festive burning lawn-cross as part of its Holiday decorations Tuesday. The First Lady's office described the motif: "The choice of orange flame on wooden cross represents both the eternal flame of Christ's kingdom as well as the fiery depths of Hell from which Lord Satan monitors all...