Politics

Washington D.C. - During an Oval Office meeting with the Canadian Prime Minister Wednesday morning, President Trump enthusiastically showed off his new red, white, and blue Fidget Spinner which was reportedly given to him by his Chief of Staff earlier that morning. "Have you seen this, Justin?" The President inquired. "These things are terrific. You just flick it like...

Washington D.C. - As their father prepared to leave on a 17-day golf vacation Friday evening, Eric and Donald Trump Jr. commenced detailed planning of an epic party to be thrown at the White House as soon as the old man’s gone. “Donnie has been waiting for this since the day his Dad got elected,” reported a White House...

Temerloh, Malaysia - Noting the existential threat posed by undocumented southeast Asian elephants, Attorney general Jeff Sessions embarked upon a bold and dangerous mission Tuesday to kill as many of the vile beasts as possible before they could potentially cross the border into Alabama. “Real Americans are sick and tired of elites in places like Los Angeles and Kuala Lumpur...

Washington D.C. - In the wake of Justice Anthony Kennedy's retirement announcement, liberals nationwide have begun stockpiling abortions and same-sex marriages at an unprecedented rate. Data released Monday by Planned Parenthood and multiple state governments shows that Americans bought nearly three million abortions and gay marriages in just the last 12 days. "It's bad for the country, but good for business,"...

Washington D.C. - Hundreds of mourners gathered at the Capitol rotunda Tuesday to say goodbye to the last American President about whom no one had strong feelings of any kind. "It really puts in perspective how much times have changed," lamented Senate majority leader Mitch McConnel. "I can't actually remember anything he did or said, but I remember I...

Washington D.C. - After months of escalating abuse, friends and family of the EPA reported Thursday that the agency finally snapped and went on an epic 2-day bender culminating in an embarrassing series of calls and texts to its ex. "It was a terrible thing to witness" said the State Department Monday. "After all the booze and coke was...

We all know that glory is fleeting in this administration. But recent events have been a true wake-up call to those of us who too often take our White House colleagues for granted. They say tragedies come in threes; but you never expect them to happen so close together, or so close to home. It all started 10 days ago,...

Long Island, NY - Newly appointed White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci shocked observers Friday afternoon when he behaved like a perfect gentleman at the back-yard tea party he attended with his 6-year-old daughter and her friends. Witnesses reported hearing not a single cuss, insult, or death threat from Scaramucci at any point during the lovely event. "Yeah, I...

Washington D.C. - In a bold departure from Christmas tradition, the White House unveiled a festive burning lawn-cross as part of its Holiday decorations Tuesday. The First Lady's office described the motif: "The choice of orange flame on wooden cross represents both the eternal flame of Christ's kingdom as well as the fiery depths of Hell from which Lord Satan monitors all...