Supreme Court On Cusp of Historic Level of Diversity of Sexual Predator
Washington D.C. - Despite resistance from Senate Democrats, it appears likely that the confirmation of Supreme Court Justice nominee Brett Kavanaugh will create unprecedented diversity among the court's sexual predators.
"While I oppose the appointment of any justice made simply on the basis of his status as a sexual predator, Justice Kavanaugh just happens to be fully qualified for the position," opined...
Trump Shows Off New Fidget Spinner In Meeting With Trudeau
Washington D.C. - During an Oval Office meeting with the Canadian Prime Minister Wednesday morning, President Trump enthusiastically showed off his new red, white, and blue Fidget Spinner which was reportedly given to him by his Chief of Staff earlier that morning. "Have you seen this, Justin?" The President inquired. "These things are terrific. You just flick it like...
Body Image Advocacy Group Demands Church Provide More “Realistic” Depictions of Christ
Vatican City - Members of Christian body image advocacy organization Christians for a Realistic Appearing Messiah (“CRAM”) have been picketing outside the Vatican since Tuesday in an effort to draw attention to their claim that the church’s depictions of key Holy Trinity member Jesus Christ as thin and physically fit have promoted unrealistic standards of beauty that have been...
President Comforts Nation With Fireside Tweets
Palm Beach, FL - In an effort to calm an increasingly panicked nation, President Trump announced Thursday his plan to address his fellow citizens directly with a series of evening “Fireside Tweets” in which he will explain in nuanced detail the causes of our present crisis and the steps that must be taken to end it. He...
Breaking: Active Shooter In U.S.
United States - In the wake of reports of a mass shooting currently in progress since early Monday morning August 1st, 1966, the Nation’s local law enforcement are urging residents within the perimeters of the entire country to stay inside until the suspects have been apprehended.
“If you are between the 1200-block of...
Master Race To Shift Extermination Efforts To Lice And Scabies
Pelham, NC - In a surprising shift of strategy, KKK Grand Wizard Justin Moore announced Tuesday his organization would pivot from its long-standing efforts to exterminate the mud races in order to focus all its attention on exterminating the lice and scabies with which its members are currently plagued. "There will always be time to eradicate the black and...
ISIS Addresses Declining Martyr Recruitment By Upping Reward From 72 to 94 Virgins
In an unexpected and possibly desperate move, ISIS announced Wednesday that it is increasing its standard offer of 72 post-martyrdom virgins to a whopping 94.
The nearly 25 percent increase in virgins is unprecedented in the history of jihad. The largest prior increase was decreed by the legendary sultan Saladin in 1186 when he offered 84 virgins in an effort...
Nation Fondly Remembers When President Was Boring As Fuck
Washington D.C. - Hundreds of mourners gathered at the Capitol rotunda Tuesday to say goodbye to the last American President about whom no one had strong feelings of any kind. "It really puts in perspective how much times have changed," lamented Senate majority leader Mitch McConnel. "I can't actually remember anything he did or said, but I remember I...
Giuliani: President’s Self-Pardon Power Has Absolutely Nothing To Do With Him Having Murdered Melania
Washington D.C. - Continuing his whirlwind media tour, President Trump's counsel Rudy Giuliani told ABC News Tuesday that the President "probably" has the power to pardon himself for any crime: "The constitution puts no limits on the President's explicit power to pardon any person accused of a crime in the United States," Giuliani Explained. "And trust me, this has nothing...