Politics

Corpus Christi, TX - In the devastating aftermath of Hurricane Harvey, nearly four million Texans are without electricity and internet, cutting them off from the liberal media's relentless campaign to fool the nation into believing the unproven theory of man-made climate change. Residents of 17 Southeast Texas counties are, for the time being, safe from the manipulative fear-mongering of...

Helsinki, Finland - In a grand diplomatic gesture unseen since ancient Aztec times, President Trump graciously gifted a recently seized 10-month-old Guatemalan baby to Russian President Vladamir Putin at their historic Helsinki summit on Monday. "We had these terrific babies in cages," Trump explained at the press conference. "So I said to my people: Why don't we share them with our friends? Because...

Vatican City - Members of Christian body image advocacy organization Christians for a Realistic Appearing Messiah (“CRAM”) have been picketing outside the Vatican since Tuesday in an effort to draw attention to their claim that the church’s depictions of key Holy Trinity member Jesus Christ as thin and physically fit have promoted unrealistic standards of beauty that have been...

Burlington, Vermont - What started off as a perfectly normal Tuesday morning at the Main Street Delicatessen was turned upside down when U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders first ordered, then returned, a cup of lobster bisque soup. The soup, according to the Vermont Junior Senator, was just too damn hot. “It’s soup, it’s supposed to be hot," explained incredulous Main Street Deli...

Washington D.C. - Continuing his whirlwind media tour, President Trump's counsel Rudy Giuliani told ABC News Tuesday that the President "probably" has the power to pardon himself for any crime: "The constitution puts no limits on the President's explicit power to pardon any person accused of a crime in the United States," Giuliani Explained. "And trust me, this has nothing...

Medford, MA - 33 year-old climatologist Dr. Edward Hinson shrewdly cashed in on the widespread global warming hoax by landing a cushy adjunct professorship at Tufts University Thursday. Dr. Hinson, who has been perpetuating the junk science of climate change for nearly 11 years, once testified before congress about the dangers of sea level rise. He has also been...

Washington D.C. - Despite resistance from Senate Democrats, it appears likely that the confirmation of Supreme Court Justice nominee Brett Kavanaugh will create unprecedented diversity among the court's sexual predators. "While I oppose the appointment of any justice made simply on the basis of his status as a sexual predator, Justice Kavanaugh just happens to be fully qualified for the position," opined...

By Bart O'Kavanaugh I was deeply honored to stand at the White House July 9 with my wife, Whatsherface, and my daughters, they know who they are, to accept President Trump’s nomination to succeed my former boss and total fucking madman Justice Anthony Kennedy, on the United States Supreme Court of Beer. My mom, who I call Mom—one of the...

Washington D.C. - Confimring everything America already thought about men, Anthony Scaramucci reportedly ghosted the Nation last week after the two had sex on their first date. "I'm totally fine," the U.S. told reporters via text Monday. "It's just that I NEVER do that on a first date. And we had such an amazing night together. He was just...

Beverly Hills, CA - Renowned Psychiatrist Dr. Bernard Neagle confirmed Wednesday that recently fired Breitbart chief and former Whitehouse advisor Steve Bannon has indeed been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder following a horrifying incident in which Mr. Bannon accidentally pressed #2 for Spanish while applying for unemployment benefits over the phone. "Mr. Bannon was already in a very fragile psychological state due to...