Bedminster, NJ – With golf course flags at half-mast, the President of the United States unequivocally denounced the barbarous violence perpetrated by all sides in the brutal murder Saturday of a counter-protester at a white-nationalist rally in Charlottesville, NC. According to the President, white supremacist James Alex Fields Jr’s act of driving his 2010 Dodge Challenger into a crowd of counter-protesters, thereby taking the life of a 32-year-old woman and wounding 19 others, was just as shameful as any other act of protest or counter-protest committed by the over-excited crowd in desperate need of his unifying presence.

“There’s too much hate everywhere,” the President explained. “We need to come together as Americans and stomp out hate on all sides so things like this will never happen again.” The president went on to lament the tragic lack of armed counter protesters who might have been able to shoot through the car’s engine block and make it blow up really big like in Terminator 2.