Charlottesville, VA – 23-year-old Zach Lee, recent graduate of Eastern Mennonite University, pled for forgiveness Sunday following the publication of photos from the August 12 white nationalist march on Charlottesville in which he appears to be refilling the tiki-torches of the white supremacist marchers.
“I had no idea what that event was about,” Lee explained. “I just needed a job and responded to this Craigslist ad for a tiki-torch supervisor. It paid $300 and promised free pizza and beer. By the time I realized what was going on, I was being called a racist all over the internet. You can’t imagine how awful this is.”
Despite his pleas of innocence, Lee conceded that he may have overlooked a few small red-flags: “In retrospect, it was little weird when they told me they hired me ’cause they ‘liked my look.’ But I swear to God I just thought it was a themed wedding or something. Granted, it was kinda strange that they were mixing Polynesian and KKK motifs. And I did wonder where all the women were… But I just figured the bride and her friends were staying out of sight ’cause they were superstitious.
In addition to the accusations of racism, Lee was also despondent over the utter lack of appreciation for the immense effort and care he put into his tiki-torch duties: “Do you have any idea how many stores I had to go to to get that many torches? It’s the end of the season. Supplies are low. I drove to every Home Depot and Lowe’s within 100 miles of Charlottesville,” the young man complained. “And the organizers failed to tell me they didn’t have a funnel. Think that’s important maybe? I nearly burned my eye-brows off and this black smudge on my hands isn’t gonna come out for days. But whatever. I guess somebody always gets screwed over.”