ISIS Addresses Declining Martyr Recruitment By Upping Reward From 72 to 94 Virgins
In an unexpected and possibly desperate move, ISIS announced Wednesday that it is increasing its standard offer of 72 post-martyrdom virgins to a whopping 94.
The nearly 25 percent increase in virgins is unprecedented in the history of jihad. The largest prior increase was decreed by the legendary sultan Saladin in 1186 when he offered 84 virgins in an effort...
Stopping Priests From Molesting Children Conspicuously Absent From Church’s List of Pope’s Miracles
From the earliest days of Pope Francis' reign, saint watchers pegged the wildly popular pontiff as a strong candidate for eventual canonization. Las Vegas bookmakers agree: the current money line odds on Francis' eventual sainthood are holding steady at a staggering -1000.
It thus came as no surprise when, early Tuesday morning, the Roman Catholic College of Cardinals took the...
Mother Earth Impatiently Awaits Human Extinction; Needs Some Time To Herself
Olduvai Gorge, Tanzania - During a tearful visit to the place she first met mankind, Mother Earth announced Tuesday that she has given up on her relationship with homo-sapiens. "I really tried to make it work," she explained. "In the early days, humanity was so good to me. It used to respect my boundaries and worship me like a...
Master Race To Shift Extermination Efforts To Lice And Scabies
Pelham, NC - In a surprising shift of strategy, KKK Grand Wizard Justin Moore announced Tuesday his organization would pivot from its long-standing efforts to exterminate the mud races in order to focus all its attention on exterminating the lice and scabies with which its members are currently plagued. "There will always be time to eradicate the black and...