Olduvai Gorge, Tanzania – During a tearful visit to the place she first met mankind, Mother Earth announced Tuesday that she has given up on her relationship with homo-sapiens. “I really tried to make it work,” she explained. “In the early days, humanity was so good to me. It used to respect my boundaries and worship me like a Goddess. But everything’s different now… It’s just not the species I knew.”

In a shocking confession, Mother Earth went on to express her longing for a chance to start over. “It should only be a few hundred years now before they kill themselves off and I can finally take some much needed me-time. I rushed too quickly into this relationship. After the dinosaurs, I just needed to be with someone. To dull the pain. I thought maybe humans were the answer. Their brains were so big and… all those pretty words. I was a fool.”

Despite having her heart broken for the second time in just 65 million years, Mother Earth remains defiantly optimistic: “I choose to believe that I’ll learn from this relationship and next time I’ll get it right. I’ll find someone who won’t take me for granted, and actually knows how to eat pussy.”