EPA Goes On Bender; Drunk-Dials Ex
Washington D.C. - After months of escalating abuse, friends and family of the EPA reported Thursday that the agency finally snapped and went on an epic 2-day bender culminating in an embarrassing series of calls and texts to its ex. "It was a terrible thing to witness" said the State Department Monday. "After all the booze and coke was...
Haiti Issues Travel Ban On All ‘Shithole Presidents’
Port-au-Prince, Haiti - Haitian President Jovenel Moise stunned the international community Friday with the issuance of an executive order barring the entry of any and all 'shithole presidents' to the country.
"Why would we as a nation wish to be visited by a hole, out of which comes shit?" asked President Moise. "A hole that spews the shit of so...
Don Jr. Has No Recollection of Telling Father How Third Season of Narcos Ends
Washington D.C. - Newly leaked transcripts of the Senate testimony of Donald Trump Jr. reveal that the president's firstborn had his allowance cut in half following an incident in the Fall of 2017 in which Don Jr. allegedly told his father how the third season of Narcos ends before the President had a chance to watch the finale for himself.
"I do not...
Master Race To Shift Extermination Efforts To Lice And Scabies
Pelham, NC - In a surprising shift of strategy, KKK Grand Wizard Justin Moore announced Tuesday his organization would pivot from its long-standing efforts to exterminate the mud races in order to focus all its attention on exterminating the lice and scabies with which its members are currently plagued. "There will always be time to eradicate the black and...
Hundreds Of Catholic Priests Resign To Pursue Careers As Alabama District Attorney
Gadsden, GA - In an unprecedented and mysterious wave of mass resignations, at least 358 Catholic priests from around the nation have left the church in the last six days to pursue new careers as DAs in Etowah County, Alabama.
“I know it seems a bit odd,” confessed newly retired William O’Malley of Boston. “It means three grueling years of...
Hurricane Harvey Leaves Millions Of Texans Without Access To Fake News About Climate Change
Corpus Christi, TX - In the devastating aftermath of Hurricane Harvey, nearly four million Texans are without electricity and internet, cutting them off from the liberal media's relentless campaign to fool the nation into believing the unproven theory of man-made climate change. Residents of 17 Southeast Texas counties are, for the time being, safe from the manipulative fear-mongering of...
OP-ED: I Am an Independent, Impartial Judge of Beer
By Bart O'Kavanaugh
I was deeply honored to stand at the White House July 9 with my wife, Whatsherface, and my daughters, they know who they are, to accept President Trump’s nomination to succeed my former boss and total fucking madman Justice Anthony Kennedy, on the United States Supreme Court of Beer. My mom, who I call Mom—one of the...
Supreme Court On Cusp of Historic Level of Diversity of Sexual Predator
Washington D.C. - Despite resistance from Senate Democrats, it appears likely that the confirmation of Supreme Court Justice nominee Brett Kavanaugh will create unprecedented diversity among the court's sexual predators.
"While I oppose the appointment of any justice made simply on the basis of his status as a sexual predator, Justice Kavanaugh just happens to be fully qualified for the position," opined...
President Denounces Hate On All Sides Of Hate Crime
Bedminster, NJ - With golf course flags at half-mast, the President of the United States unequivocally denounced the barbarous violence perpetrated by all sides in the brutal murder Saturday of a counter-protester at a white-nationalist rally in Charlottesville, NC. According to the President, white supremacist James Alex Fields Jr's act of driving his 2010 Dodge Challenger into a crowd...