Science & Technology

San Diego, CA - Researchers at the University of California San Diego published findings Thursday showing that local hostess Angela Howell’s Iphone, currently at 17%, will totally last the rest of the night. “We conducted several interviews with Ms. Howell just prior to her calling an Uber to meet her girlfriends out at the Onyx Room,” reported study director...

Minneapolis, MN - Shares of Pornhub rose 8% Friday as America's liberals continued their record-breaking consumption of VIVID MEDIA's newly released virtual reality porn series depicting the impeachment proceedings of President Donald John Trump. The first video in the series, titled "100 senators impeach the shit out of platinum blonde President," has garnered over 60 million views since its...

Stanford, CA - A study published Friday by the Stanford School of Medicine revealed that people who drink Long Island Iced Teas are in fact more likely to have horrible taste in everything. "It’s a groundbreaking discovery in terms of the intersectionality of poor taste," proclaimed Dr. James Kiley, director of the study. "I mean It’s common sense that...

Pasadena, CA - A study published Tuesday by researchers at Caltech found a surprising correlation between consumption of copious amounts of alcohol during the day, and going to bed at a healthy, appropriate time. “Contrary to the traditional stigma, it turns out there is a demonstrable health benefit to getting shit-faced in the afternoon,” explained Dr. Yvonne Attat, author...

Washington D.C. - After months of escalating abuse, friends and family of the EPA reported Thursday that the agency finally snapped and went on an epic 2-day bender culminating in an embarrassing series of calls and texts to its ex. "It was a terrible thing to witness" said the State Department Monday. "After all the booze and coke was...

The U.S. Department of Agriculture announced this week that it has formally approved a new type of genetically engineered onion developed by GMO giant Monsanto. The Manion™ eliminates the age-old hassle of crying like a pussy while chopping onions; by pushing tears deep deep down inside where they belong. "I think we’ll be seeing a lot more husbands helping...

Enthusiasts of the flavor of Tide Pods often compare its aromatic aftertaste, to that of the fresh crisp, universally adored herb cilantro. Thanks to extensive recent experimentation conducted by pre-teens on Youtube, scientists have finally learned why Tide Pods taste like cilantro for some 4-14 percent of the population. These "supertasters" merely possess a more refined palate than the rest...

Washington, D.C. - According to a study published by Pew Research Center this week, most Americans cited fear of liberals breaking into their home and taking their guns as the number one reason for keeping a loaded gun by their bed. The study, which was based on interviews with nearly 20,000 gun owners across 28 states,  revealed a variety of motivations for purchasing...

According to a new comprehensive analysis done by Yale University climate researchers, the single most impactful measure individuals can take to protect the planet's corporations from the consequences of their own environment-destroying practices—is to switch to a vegan diet. The new research shows that, if every individual simply removed meat and dairy from their diet (regardless of whether they have access...

Tempe, Arizona - Uber announced Friday the immediate suspension of its four-week-old autonomous car pilot-program following accusations that one of its self-driving vehicles exposed itself to a young female passenger. The allegation of autoerotic misconduct is the most serious thus far made against the growing fleet of unmanned vehicles. In a brief statement issued to reporters, Uber expressed regret for...