Science & Technology

Pasadena, CA - A study published Tuesday by researchers at Caltech found a surprising correlation between consumption of copious amounts of alcohol during the day, and going to bed at a healthy, appropriate time. “Contrary to the traditional stigma, it turns out there is a demonstrable health benefit to getting shit-faced in the afternoon,” explained Dr. Yvonne Attat, author...

The U.S. Department of Agriculture announced this week that it has formally approved a new type of genetically engineered onion developed by GMO giant Monsanto. The Manion™ eliminates the age-old hassle of crying like a pussy while chopping onions; by pushing tears deep deep down inside where they belong. "I think we’ll be seeing a lot more husbands helping...

Washington, D.C. - According to a study published by Pew Research Center this week, most Americans cited fear of liberals breaking into their home and taking their guns as the number one reason for keeping a loaded gun by their bed. The study, which was based on interviews with nearly 20,000 gun owners across 28 states,  revealed a variety of motivations for purchasing...

According to a new comprehensive analysis done by Yale University climate researchers, the single most impactful measure individuals can take to protect the planet's corporations from the consequences of their own environment-destroying practices—is to switch to a vegan diet. The new research shows that, if every individual simply removed meat and dairy from their diet (regardless of whether they have access...

San Diego, CA - Researchers at the University of California San Diego published findings Thursday showing that local hostess Angela Howell’s Iphone, currently at 17%, will totally last the rest of the night. “We conducted several interviews with Ms. Howell just prior to her calling an Uber to meet her girlfriends out at the Onyx Room,” reported study director...

Enthusiasts of the flavor of Tide Pods often compare its aromatic aftertaste, to that of the fresh crisp, universally adored herb cilantro. Thanks to extensive recent experimentation conducted by pre-teens on Youtube, scientists have finally learned why Tide Pods taste like cilantro for some 4-14 percent of the population. These "supertasters" merely possess a more refined palate than the rest...

Stanford, CA - A study published Friday by the Stanford School of Medicine revealed that people who drink Long Island Iced Teas are in fact more likely to have horrible taste in everything. "It’s a groundbreaking discovery in terms of the intersectionality of poor taste," proclaimed Dr. James Kiley, director of the study. "I mean It’s common sense that...

Cherry Hill, NJ - Following a string of tough setbacks, 31-year-old Jessie Boyer moved back in with her parents Friday only to make a miraculous finding in her childhood bedroom: Her long lost Tamagotchi virtual pet, missing for some 18 years, pinned against the wall behind her headboard... STILL ALIVE! “When I heard that faint beeping sound... I thought I...

Seattle, WA - An alarming new study published Thursday in the American Journal of Business Anthropology found that 58% of the people in your office have fantasized about killing you. The 18-month study, headed by Dr. Bethany Leaming of the University of Washington, used revolutionary techniques in inducing honesty with controlled doses of Sodium Pentothal, scopolamine, and MDMA. "Thoughts...

Just three years ago, a debate over the color of a dress nearly broke the internet. Now, a four-second audio clip of the Greek keyboardist known as "Yanni" has sparked an even fiercer debate; leaving best friends questioning each others’ sanity, 20-year marriages ending, and in a few cases, people emptying bottles of Drano into their own ears. Listen to...