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STUDY: Phone At 17% Will Totally Last The Night

San Diego, CA - Researchers at the University of California San Diego published findings Thursday showing that local hostess Angela Howell’s Iphone, currently at 17%, will totally last the rest of the night. “We conducted several interviews with Ms. Howell just prior to her calling an Uber to meet her girlfriends out at the Onyx Room,” reported study director...

Switching To Plant-Based Diet ‘Single Biggest Way’ We Can Save Earth’s Polluting Corporations From Accountability

According to a new comprehensive analysis done by Yale University climate researchers, the single most impactful measure individuals can take to protect the planet's corporations from the consequences of their own environment-destroying practices—is to switch to a vegan diet. The new research shows that, if every individual simply removed meat and dairy from their diet (regardless of whether they have access...

Study: Day-Drinking Tied To Higher Incidence of Going To Bed On Time

Pasadena, CA - A study published Tuesday by researchers at Caltech found a surprising correlation between consumption of copious amounts of alcohol during the day, and going to bed at a healthy, appropriate time. “Contrary to the traditional stigma, it turns out there is a demonstrable health benefit to getting shit-faced in the afternoon,” explained Dr. Yvonne Attat, author...

Science Explains Why Tide Pods Taste Like Cilantro To Some, Soap To Others

Enthusiasts of the flavor of Tide Pods often compare its aromatic aftertaste, to that of the fresh crisp, universally adored herb cilantro. Thanks to extensive recent experimentation conducted by pre-teens on Youtube, scientists have finally learned why Tide Pods taste like cilantro for some 4-14 percent of the population. These "supertasters" merely possess a more refined palate than the rest...

EPA Goes On Bender; Drunk-Dials Ex

Washington D.C. - After months of escalating abuse, friends and family of the EPA reported Thursday that the agency finally snapped and went on an epic 2-day bender culminating in an embarrassing series of calls and texts to its ex. "It was a terrible thing to witness" said the State Department Monday. "After all the booze and coke was...

Mercury In Retrograde, Widespread Bloodshed Inevitable

Earth – In yet more bad news for Earth, early this morning the planet Mercury went into retrograde. The unexpected shift in the forward motion of the tiny planet signals a sudden and bitter end to the peace and prosperity we as a species had enjoyed for decades. Over the last 50 years, governed by the forward motion of the small...

STUDY: 58% of People At Your Office Have Fantasized About Killing You

Seattle, WA - An alarming new study published Thursday in the American Journal of Business Anthropology found that 58% of the people in your office have fantasized about killing you. The 18-month study, headed by Dr. Bethany Leaming of the University of Washington, used revolutionary techniques in inducing honesty with controlled doses of Sodium Pentothal, scopolamine, and MDMA. "Thoughts...

Mother Earth Impatiently Awaits Human Extinction; Needs Some Time To Herself

Olduvai Gorge, Tanzania - During a tearful visit to the place she first met mankind, Mother Earth announced Tuesday that she has given up on her relationship with homo-sapiens. "I really tried to make it work," she explained. "In the early days, humanity was so good to me. It used to respect my boundaries and worship me like a...

Climate Scientist Cashes In On Global Warming Hoax By Landing Sweet Adjunct Professor Gig

Medford, MA - 33 year-old climatologist Dr. Edward Hinson shrewdly cashed in on the widespread global warming hoax by landing a cushy adjunct professorship at Tufts University Thursday. Dr. Hinson, who has been perpetuating the junk science of climate change for nearly 11 years, once testified before congress about the dangers of sea level rise. He has also been...

Hurricane Harvey Leaves Millions Of Texans Without Access To Fake News About Climate Change

Corpus Christi, TX - In the devastating aftermath of Hurricane Harvey, nearly four million Texans are without electricity and internet, cutting them off from the liberal media's relentless campaign to fool the nation into believing the unproven theory of man-made climate change. Residents of 17 Southeast Texas counties are, for the time being, safe from the manipulative fear-mongering of...