Old Lady’s Basement, OH – Long sought after as the apex of pet-breeding, elite breeders Schroder & Simmons announced Tuesday they have successfully bred a cat whose features are as ugly as those of a human infant. The newly christened “Wrinkle Necked Toe head” is an utterly helpless hairless feline, so crusty, bloated and discolored, that people are compelled to use words like “character” and “interesting” to describe its appearance.

“The soft fur, wide eyes and playfulness that we’ve come to expect from even the least attractive kittens, have given way to the wrinkly red skin, swollen eyelids and constant screaming that characterize any healthy newborn Homo sapiens,” says breed creator, James Schroder. “You will need to keep an eye on these kittens 24/7, bottle and spoon feed them, change their diapers, and make sure they don’t suffocate by sleeping in the wrong position. But as many parents can tell you, having a screaming pathetic hairless thing completely dependent on you for years on end is a reward in and of itself.” Schroder says he is still working on a cat that will completely despise its owner upon reaching adolescence.