Tempe, Arizona – Uber announced Friday the immediate suspension of its four-week-old autonomous car pilot-program following accusations that one of its self-driving vehicles exposed itself to a young female passenger. The allegation of autoerotic misconduct is the most serious thus far made against the growing fleet of unmanned vehicles.
In a brief statement issued to reporters, Uber expressed regret for the late model SUV’s unfortunate lapse in judgment and pledged to investigate the incident thoroughly. “To the best of our knowledge, this is a totally isolated occurrence,” the statement read. “We’ve certainly never heard anything about any similar conduct from this vehicle in the past. Furthermore, it’s worth noting that the young lady involved has a suspended license due to a previous DUI and she admitted to having had a few drinks that night. So her questionable ability to accurately recall details should be taken into account.”
Social media was abuzz Friday with concern that the new allegations could impede everyone’s access to the groundbreaking new convenience: “Why did she get in the car in the first place? Why would she put her life in the hands of a robot if she wasn’t prepared for the outcome? She was obviously into the convenience of getting to her destination, but then changed her mind halfway through the ride,” one prominent twitter personality expounded.
“For years, women have been doing everything they can to make men obsolete; and now that we are, they’re turning on the robots who replaced us,” an unemployed former Uber driver complained. “Let’s hope the self-driving cars don’t roll over for this feminist PC nonsense like we did. Stand up for your right to show her your gear or lose it forever.”