Local

Detroit, MI - After months of deliberately avoiding listening to his drug dealer's demo, local barber Chris Delaponte reported Tuesday he was stunned to find that the group known as "Buttercup," fronted by ace illicit pharmaceutical entrepreneur Todd Filo, was actually really really good. "I was dreading listening to it," Delaponte explained. "'Cause I'm really bad at faking like I...

Burlington, Vermont - What started off as a perfectly normal Tuesday morning at the Main Street Delicatessen was turned upside down when U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders first ordered, then returned, a cup of lobster bisque soup. The soup, according to the Vermont Junior Senator, was just too damn hot. “It’s soup, it’s supposed to be hot," explained incredulous Main Street Deli...

BROOKLYN, NY- Up-and-coming local stand-up comic Edward Figone raised eyebrows Sunday evening when he left the hilarious comment: "#humblebrag" under Facebook friend, Leah Cooper’s post about how she had recently been sexually assaulted walking home from work. "I was just scrolling through the feed and the word ‘rape’ caught my eye," Figone explained. "She was blabbering on about how...

Los Angeles, CA – The Los Angeles County Fire Department announced plans Monday to join in the City’s effort to prevent the recent outbreaks of Hepatitis A and Typhus from reaching epidemic levels by conducting carefully controlled burns of the county's homeless population. "We're starting with Skid Row, obviously," explained LAFP Chief Dale Mahorn. "But ultimately, if we're really taking...

Cherry Hill, NJ - Following a string of tough setbacks, 31-year-old Jessie Boyer moved back in with her parents Friday only to make a miraculous finding in her childhood bedroom: Her long lost Tamagotchi virtual pet, missing for some 18 years, pinned against the wall behind her headboard... STILL ALIVE! “When I heard that faint beeping sound... I thought I...