Local

GLENDORA, CA - 26-year-old hairdresser Candace Patterson sparked controversy Tuesday when she viciously reset the Netflix password she shared with long-time boyfriend Jake Quiller after learning he had cheated on her with her younger sister. "I’m not condoning what Jake did," said long time friend of the couple, Ashleigh Winfrey. "But I also don’t think she needed to react...

Amherst, NY - Local grad student Naureen Nayak, a homely young woman in possession of her parents' HBO Go password, has been inexplicably laid six Sundays in a row according to friends and neighbors. "I just don’t get it," mused neighbor Ryan Majewski. "Naureen is unfuckable even by drunk-male standards. Yet I heard her banging through the wall every...

Detroit, MI - After months of deliberately avoiding listening to his drug dealer's demo, local barber Chris Delaponte reported Tuesday he was stunned to find that the group known as "Buttercup," fronted by ace illicit pharmaceutical entrepreneur Todd Filo, was actually really really good. "I was dreading listening to it," Delaponte explained. "'Cause I'm really bad at faking like I...

United States - In the wake of reports of a mass shooting currently in progress since early Monday morning August 1st, 1966, the Nation’s local law enforcement are urging residents within the perimeters of the entire country to stay inside until the suspects have been apprehended. “If you are between the 1200-block of...

I’m not a racist, but I don’t understand why black people keep complaining about being followed around my candle shop by security, when all they would have to do is buy something expensive immediately upon arrival so I’d know they aren’t a thief. Just the other day, this young African American woman walked into my store, loitered for over 90...

Warren, MI - Multiple sources confirmed Tuesday that 28-year-old X-ray technician Dana Timmreck would be getting some serious action if only her five-year-old son Stefan were out of the picture. "I don’t want to be disrespectful to someone’s mother," neighbor David Smith explained. "But Dana has an amazing body. Especially considering she had a baby. It’s like you can’t...

Zionsville, IN - In a totally unexpected ordeal, local IT project manager Patrick Leaming struggled with how to deflect blame after inviting obnoxious asshole Bill Gowing to a friend’s house party Friday night. "I didn’t think he would actually show up," an exacerbated Leaming explained to reporters. "I hadn’t seen the guy in years and randomly ran into him...

Earth – In yet more bad news for Earth, early this morning the planet Mercury went into retrograde. The unexpected shift in the forward motion of the tiny planet signals a sudden and bitter end to the peace and prosperity we as a species had enjoyed for decades. Over the last 50 years, governed by the forward motion of the small...

Chicago, IL - As the sun began to rise over a decadent Bridgeport house party Saturday morning, local server Dylan Christensen reported tremendous certainty that he in fact only needs one more bump. "I have a bit of a drive back to Ukrainian Village," Christensen relayed. "And I don't have to start the brunch shift for another four hours....

New York, NY - 35-year-old bar manager Conrad Richards was reportedly disturbed late Saturday, following a loud and vigorous sex-session with Tinder date, Lanitta Ellis, when he noticed her cat, less than three feet away, staring stoically at the exasperated couple. “I asked her how long he'd been layin' there all wide-eyed and frozen like that,” a shaken-up Richards relayed....