Warren, MI – Multiple sources confirmed Tuesday that 28-year-old X-ray technician Dana Timmreck would be getting some serious action if only her five-year-old son Stefan were out of the picture.
“I don’t want to be disrespectful to someone’s mother,” neighbor David Smith explained. “But Dana has an amazing body. Especially considering she had a baby. It’s like you can’t even tell. If she didn’t have a kid, I would totally ask her out.”
Ms. Timmreck’s co-workers at Beaumont Hospital confirmed that she is indeed astonishingly fuckable for a person who had another person come out of her vagina. “Dana? Yeah, we were all trying to hit that when she first started here,” said Chief Radiologist Kevin Boryca. “It wasn’t ‘til that morning when she called off ‘cause her kid was sick that we realized: ‘Holy shit, she has a kid.’ The whole department was super bummed.”
Fellow technician and long time friend Stacy Shambeck told reporters she has always marveled at Timmreck’s discipline and perseverance: “Dana’s an inspiration. She goes to the gym every day, eats healthy, and even puts on makeup. It’s like she doesn’t even know she has a kid.”
Even Jim Hannus, Timmreck’s ex and the father of her son, can’t help but wonder what could have been if not for the existence of his adorably precocious five-year-old son. “Stefan is the most important thing in my life,” Hannus stated. “Everything I do is for him. But I’ll be damned if there ain’t times I wish I could still be with his mother… Before she had a kid around all the time, I mean.”
Despite the fact that Timmreck hasn’t gotten laid in four months, she claims to have no regrets about her decision to make her son the center of her life. “Of course I miss the days when men fawned over me, treated me like a queen and gave me whatever I wanted,” she told reporters. “But I love my son more than anything in the world and attending to him every waking moment that I’m not at work makes me feel just as womanly as getting banged out by some stud in a thousand-dollar beach-front hotel room… On the Gulf of Mexico.”
“Sometimes it is annoying when I can’t bring a man back to my place ‘cause I don’t want to have to explain it to my son,” Timmreck admits. “Or when I have to pay through the nose for a babysitter in order to go out, and then still have to cut things short so I can be back by midnight; but when I look into Stefan’s vacant little eyes and spend hours answering his incessant moronic questions, I know it’s all worth it.”
Despite her boundless love for her son, Timmreck confesses that she does sometimes look forward to the day when he will go off to college and she will once again be free of maternal responsibilities: “It’s only 13 more years. That’s nothing, right?. 13 years. I’ll be like… 41. It’ll be great. Unless of course something were to happen to Stefan before then. Which would be awful. I don’t even know who I’d do… er… what I do if something happened to him. I don’t even like to think about it.”
An intensely reflective Timmreck then stared into space for 18 minutes before excusing herself to the bathroom.