Politics

Minneapolis, MN - Shares of Pornhub rose 8% Friday as America's liberals continued their record-breaking consumption of VIVID MEDIA's newly released virtual reality porn series depicting the impeachment proceedings of President Donald John Trump. The first video in the series, titled "100 senators impeach the shit out of platinum blonde President," has garnered over 60 million views since its...

Helsinki, Finland - In a grand diplomatic gesture unseen since ancient Aztec times, President Trump graciously gifted a recently seized 10-month-old Guatemalan baby to Russian President Vladamir Putin at their historic Helsinki summit on Monday. "We had these terrific babies in cages," Trump explained at the press conference. "So I said to my people: Why don't we share them with our friends? Because...

Washington D.C. - During an Oval Office meeting with the Canadian Prime Minister Wednesday morning, President Trump enthusiastically showed off his new red, white, and blue Fidget Spinner which was reportedly given to him by his Chief of Staff earlier that morning. "Have you seen this, Justin?" The President inquired. "These things are terrific. You just flick it like...

Washington D.C. - In the wake of Justice Anthony Kennedy's retirement announcement, liberals nationwide have begun stockpiling abortions and same-sex marriages at an unprecedented rate. Data released Monday by Planned Parenthood and multiple state governments shows that Americans bought nearly three million abortions and gay marriages in just the last 12 days. "It's bad for the country, but good for business,"...

Washington D.C. - In an utterly predictable move, leftist cuck Jeff Sessions betrayed his president Thursday by issuing a statement in support of the integrity of the United States Department of Justice, a virulently biased anti-trump organization which he currently heads. "While I am Attorney General, the actions of the Department of Justice will not be improperly influenced by political...

Earth - Financial markets fell world-wide Tuesday following threats of nuclear attack made by an utterly delusional world leader with an awful haircut who demands unflinching loyalty to feed his pathological narcissism to mask his crippling insecurity. The leader, who many have described as a giant baby desperate for the love and approval of his people, emphasized the extraordinary...

Temerloh, Malaysia - Noting the existential threat posed by undocumented southeast Asian elephants, Attorney general Jeff Sessions embarked upon a bold and dangerous mission Tuesday to kill as many of the vile beasts as possible before they could potentially cross the border into Alabama. “Real Americans are sick and tired of elites in places like Los Angeles and Kuala Lumpur...

Washington D.C. - Despite resistance from Senate Democrats, it appears likely that the confirmation of Supreme Court Justice nominee Brett Kavanaugh will create unprecedented diversity among the court's sexual predators. "While I oppose the appointment of any justice made simply on the basis of his status as a sexual predator, Justice Kavanaugh just happens to be fully qualified for the position," opined...

Long Island, NY - Newly appointed White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci shocked observers Friday afternoon when he behaved like a perfect gentleman at the back-yard tea party he attended with his 6-year-old daughter and her friends. Witnesses reported hearing not a single cuss, insult, or death threat from Scaramucci at any point during the lovely event. "Yeah, I...

By Bart O'Kavanaugh I was deeply honored to stand at the White House July 9 with my wife, Whatsherface, and my daughters, they know who they are, to accept President Trump’s nomination to succeed my former boss and total fucking madman Justice Anthony Kennedy, on the United States Supreme Court of Beer. My mom, who I call Mom—one of the...