Temerloh, Malaysia – Noting the existential threat posed by undocumented southeast Asian elephants, Attorney general Jeff Sessions embarked upon a bold and dangerous mission Tuesday to kill as many of the vile beasts as possible before they could potentially cross the border into Alabama.
“Real Americans are sick and tired of elites in places like Los Angeles and Kuala Lumpur dictating how we live,” Sessions declared. “If they want to be a refuge for dangerous Oriental creatures of questionable pedigree with obscenely large penises, so be it. But they are not entitled to make that decision for the rest of us.”
Attorney General Sessions went on to kill no less than three endangered Malaysian Elephants with the help of his four indigenous Guides. “I had no idea how close I was to American soil,” explained guide Mohammed Munsi. “After Mr. Sessions departs, I plan to follow the first elephant I encounter to this “Alabama” where I will finally be judged as a man, based solely on the content of my character.”