Whiskeyleaks.net

After serving nine years in prison following conviction for a 2007 armed robbery, newly released hall-of-fame running back O.J. Simpson reported Sunday that he is greatly relieved to finally be away from all those black people. “Here’s the thing they don’t tell you about prison,” O.J. told reporters from his Brentwood golf course. “It’s full of black people. Like almost everyone. Which would be fine if I was black. But I’m not black; I’m O.J.”

Simpson emphasized that he has no intention of being a recluse now that he is a free man: “I’m ready to put the past behind me and just live my life in a quiet, white community. I’m going to focus on family, kombucha, and golf. And if you see me out on the tennis court or at the tapas bar, don’t be afraid to say hello.”

According to Simpson’s release plan filed with the Nevada Division of Parole And Probation, he intends to relocate to Portland, Oregon as soon as possible.