O.J. Relieved To Finally Be Away From All Those Black People

After serving nine years in prison following conviction for a 2007 armed robbery, newly released hall-of-fame running back O.J. Simpson reported Sunday that he is greatly relieved to finally be away from all those black people. "Here's the thing they don't tell you about prison," O.J. told reporters from his Brentwood golf course. "It's full of black people. Like...

Breast Feeding Infant Really More Of An Ass Man

Spokane, WA - Despite his total dependence on his mother’s breasts for sustenance, 13-month-old Daniel Lawton is actually more of an ass-man according to friends and neighbors close to the precocious infant. "Most of us just take what we’re given and do what’s expected of us," explained 11-month-old playmate Anthony Tamashunas. "But Danny is different. He’s his own...

Guy Who Invited Drunk Asshole To Party Struggles With How To Shift Blame

Zionsville, IN - In a totally unexpected ordeal, local IT project manager Patrick Leaming struggled with how to deflect blame after inviting obnoxious asshole Bill Gowing to a friend’s house party Friday night. "I didn’t think he would actually show up," an exacerbated Leaming explained to reporters. "I hadn’t seen the guy in years and randomly ran into him...