Whiskeyleaks.net

Shares of moist towelette manufacturer Whette Inc. fell 9% Thursday on news that co-founder and long-time CEO Eric Rhodes resigned after being caught eating Cathy’s lunch. Witnesses say the brilliant architect of the billion-dollar company was caught red-handed eating a ham and brie panini that Cathy left in the bottom-right vegetable compartment of the fridge; a spot so secluded that no reasonable person could have believed the sandwich was up for grabs. “The truth is, I’d been working for 21 hours straight and lost all regard for possessory rights in food,” the boss explained. “I’m not making excuses for my behavior, which was clearly beyond the bounds of human decency. But I’m truly grateful that this incident has forced me to confront workaholism and the people it harms.”

At least one report suggested that Rhodes’ resignation may not have been the result of this single theft; but rather was the culmination of a series of incidents over the past six months, the majority of which involved Greek Yogurt.

The disgraced CEO does not plan on reentering the job market until he has dealt with his sick behavioral pattens. “I’ll be spending the majority of this time-off, alone; practicing Mindfulness and yoga. Maybe I’ll hike the Appalachian trail,” Rhodes, who hasn’t spent more than three hours-per-week with his wife and children in six years, optimistically reported.