Business

Washington D.C. - In what he called "the culmination of a lifelong dream," Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder gleefully unveiled his team's new "Chief Wooha" logo at a press conference Monday. "I've been begging Larry to sell me the rights for 15 years!" Snyder explained in an apparent reference to Cleveland Indians owner Larry Dolan. "When he called me...

If there were a way to expose your brand to a guaranteed fifty unique sets of eyes per week: Each for 15-20 minutes of undivided focus, specifically targeted to your desired demographic, what would that be worth to you? Local Slut Mckenzie Banks realized she had "struck oil" when a stoner dude whose name might have been Kyle finished on...

Luxor, Egypt - Unsatisfied with its status as the second biggest streaming service in the world, Netflix announced Friday it has reached agreements with the governments of Egypt and Sudan to purchase the Nile for a reported $12.8 billion in cash and stock. The aggressive move is the latest in a vicious territorial battle between two media giants. "For...

Thailand - Following a missed opportunity to use his high-tech, boy-sized, and unmistakably phallic submarine to traffic a group of eleven athletic young Thai boys trapped in a cave to safety; an ambitious engineer is turning to an age-old method of enticement: Candy! "I designed the submarine for this specific purpose. I consulted parents for measurements of their prepubescent sons...

New York, NY - Attorneys for The New Yorker magazine filed suit Monday against Make-A-Wish Foundation, alleging the charitable organization falsely promised in 2012 that "satirical" news writer Andy Borowitz had only three months to live. The New Yorker claims they detrimentally relied on this promise when they allowed Borowitz to begin publishing his god-awful attempts at satire on...

Gadsden, GA - In an unprecedented and mysterious wave of mass resignations, at least 358 Catholic priests from around the nation have left the church in the last six days to pursue new careers as DAs in Etowah County, Alabama. “I know it seems a bit odd,” confessed newly retired William O’Malley of Boston. “It means three grueling years of...

Tacoma, WA - While most restaurants remain open for delivery or takeout, many states have now ordered-closed all buffet-style dining establishments as part of the effort to curb the spread of Covid 19, E. Coli, and the acute depression brought on by tasting artificial crab meat for the first time. In addition to the obvious benefits to...

Tempe, Arizona - Uber announced Friday the immediate suspension of its four-week-old autonomous car pilot-program following accusations that one of its self-driving vehicles exposed itself to a young female passenger. The allegation of autoerotic misconduct is the most serious thus far made against the growing fleet of unmanned vehicles. In a brief statement issued to reporters, Uber expressed regret for...

Pelham, NC - In a surprising shift of strategy, KKK Grand Wizard Justin Moore announced Tuesday his organization would pivot from its long-standing efforts to exterminate the mud races in order to focus all its attention on exterminating the lice and scabies with which its members are currently plagued. "There will always be time to eradicate the black and...

Shares of moist towelette manufacturer Whette Inc. fell 9% Thursday on news that co-founder and long-time CEO Eric Rhodes resigned after being caught eating Cathy’s lunch. Witnesses say the brilliant architect of the billion-dollar company was caught red-handed eating a ham and brie panini that Cathy left in the bottom-right vegetable compartment of the fridge; a spot so secluded...