Business

Shares of moist towelette manufacturer Whette Inc. fell 9% Thursday on news that co-founder and long-time CEO Eric Rhodes resigned after being caught eating Cathy’s lunch. Witnesses say the brilliant architect of the billion-dollar company was caught red-handed eating a ham and brie panini that Cathy left in the bottom-right vegetable compartment of the fridge; a spot so secluded...

Gadsden, GA - In an unprecedented and mysterious wave of mass resignations, at least 358 Catholic priests from around the nation have left the church in the last six days to pursue new careers as DAs in Etowah County, Alabama. “I know it seems a bit odd,” confessed newly retired William O’Malley of Boston. “It means three grueling years of...

Washington D.C. - In what he called "the culmination of a lifelong dream," Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder gleefully unveiled his team's new "Chief Wooha" logo at a press conference Monday. "I've been begging Larry to sell me the rights for 15 years!" Snyder explained in an apparent reference to Cleveland Indians owner Larry Dolan. "When he called me...

Thailand - Following a missed opportunity to use his high-tech, boy-sized, and unmistakably phallic submarine to traffic a group of eleven athletic young Thai boys trapped in a cave to safety; an ambitious engineer is turning to an age-old method of enticement: Candy! "I designed the submarine for this specific purpose. I consulted parents for measurements of their prepubescent sons...

Pelham, NC - In a surprising shift of strategy, KKK Grand Wizard Justin Moore announced Tuesday his organization would pivot from its long-standing efforts to exterminate the mud races in order to focus all its attention on exterminating the lice and scabies with which its members are currently plagued. "There will always be time to eradicate the black and...

Tempe, Arizona - Uber announced Friday the immediate suspension of its four-week-old autonomous car pilot-program following accusations that one of its self-driving vehicles exposed itself to a young female passenger. The allegation of autoerotic misconduct is the most serious thus far made against the growing fleet of unmanned vehicles. In a brief statement issued to reporters, Uber expressed regret for...

New York, NY - Attorneys for The New Yorker magazine filed suit Monday against Make-A-Wish Foundation, alleging the charitable organization falsely promised in 2012 that "satirical" news writer Andy Borowitz had only three months to live. The New Yorker claims they detrimentally relied on this promise when they allowed Borowitz to begin publishing his god-awful attempts at satire on...

If there were a way to expose your brand to a guaranteed fifty unique sets of eyes per week: Each for 15-20 minutes of undivided focus, specifically targeted to your desired demographic, what would that be worth to you? Local Slut Mckenzie Banks realized she had "struck oil" when a stoner dude whose name might have been Kyle finished on...

Heilongjiang, China - A torrent of rage swirled through Twitter Saturday following news that American hunter Owen Jacobs and his son Owen Jr. illegally shot and killed Hungbae, a beautiful and majestic Chinese dairy cow, for beef and leather. “Hungbae still had years of milk harvesting ahead of her,” animal activist @AllAnimalsMatter tweeted. “And to see the senseless death of...

Seattle, WA - An alarming new study published Thursday in the American Journal of Business Anthropology found that 58% of the people in your office have fantasized about killing you. The 18-month study, headed by Dr. Bethany Leaming of the University of Washington, used revolutionary techniques in inducing honesty with controlled doses of Sodium Pentothal, scopolamine, and MDMA. "Thoughts...