Op-ed: The Toy Under The Couch Is Never Coming Back

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It happened again. I swore it never would, but it did. I lost control of my favorite scrunchy foil ball and it went under the couch; just out of paw’s reach. And this time I know it’s never coming back. This was the longest it had ever been in my possession and I was certain I had learned how to contain my excitement; how not to be rash and impulsive. My movements were coordinated and my grasp of the pertinent physics solid. And yet that one over-zealous bat has left me toyless for all eternity.

I’ve been staring at it under the couch to no avail. Just two short naps ago the tall biped moved the couch and retrieved it for me, as she has so many times. But this time is different. This time my beloved toy is not coming back and I’m sure of it.

I keep replaying the scene over and over in my head. I could have beat the crinkled mass to the vortex and smacked it out of harm’s way. I could have kept it within the perimeters of the shag carpet so as to slow the momentum. I should have known I would lose traction on the laminate floor, because I always do. How could I be so stupid? Stupid Elvira. Bad kitty.

I’m trying to look at the bigger picture; the cosmic lesson in all this. Am I being punished? It has now been three hours since my last nap, but my mind is racing and racing. I fear I won’t be able to get more than 18 hours of sleep this sun cycle. I don’t deserve it anyway. I will only eat dry food from now on.

Meow. Tall biped is home. I can’t even look at her I’m so ashamed. She’s crouching down to pick me up and hugging me out of anger. Now she is yelling at me in a soft gentle voice because I’m a failure. Now she is moving the couch to show me that it’s not ther… MY TOY! I’m never letting it out of my site again… Shit. It’s gone.