The U.S. Department of Agriculture announced this week that it has formally approved a new type of genetically engineered onion developed by GMO giant Monsanto. The Manion™ eliminates the age-old hassle of crying like a pussy while chopping onions; by pushing tears deep deep down inside where they belong. “I think we’ll be seeing a lot more husbands helping out in the kitchen now that they don’t have to worry about looking like a little girl who just skinned her knee every time they want to adorn their chili cheese dog with the proper condiments,” explained Dr. Jonathan Sobel, Monsanto’s Chief of technology in a press conference. “Even more importantly, a father won’t have to worry about the sexual orientation of a son who has taken an interest in cooking.”
Skeptics are concerned that, in addition to the obvious drawbacks such as women no longer having a way to cloak their actual misery-based tears under the banner of food preparation, Manion overuse could have negative long term effects such as the development of more aggressive, Manion-resistant “Super Tears.” Despite these risks, the demand for the tear-free onion remains high for men of all ages, from college lacrosse bros to surviving members of the Greatest Generation. “I like to think this is an onion my father, Lt. Gordon Sobel, hero of Normandy beach and selfless provider for a family of 12, would have been proud to have under his roof,” Sobel stated as he held back tears.