Birmingham, AL – Proud republican husband and father, and veteran of the ongoing War On Christmas, William Allen inspired Christians nationwide with his announcement Tuesday that he would not be removing the Christmas lights from his front yard until late March, or whenever Easter takes place this year.
“Until the last flake of Christmas snow has fallen and melted on American soil, I refuse to surrender to the evil forces that would have me and my family saying ‘Season’s Greetings’ and eating hippy humus and Chinese takeout on Jesus’ birthday,” Allen told neighbors. “I saw this commercial the other day for a ‘Holiday Ham.’ Who besides Christians even eats pork? Lesbians certainly don’t.”
Community residents expressed reservations regarding the ongoing light pollution created by the Allens’ immense eight-million-watt Christmas light display, however, most felt that the message was worth the inconvenience: “I really don’t wanna look at that for the next two months,” confessed next-door neighbor Cyrus Farrell. “But when I think about how much the giant “NOEL” and the life-sized nativity scene will piss off the godless liberal elites who see it, I know that my suffering is for the greater good. And what’s more Christian than that?”