Spirit Airlines? More like Break-My-Spirit Airlines! But if you find yourself traveling on this bare-bones, no frills, meat shipment tube version of unprepared Top Ramen; you clearly have no money… And even less dignity. So here are 7 ways you can make the most of it.
1. Layers! Layers! Layers! Wear all your luggage on your person.
Spirit Charges exorbitant fees for any bag larger than a coin purse. But obviously, you wouldn’t be putting your actual life in the hands of the Natty Ice of flights if you weren’t a coupon prostitute. So wear, drape, and tether everything you plan on bringing to your body. If they try to call you out, just say you’re cosplaying as Johnny Depp, but with fewer hats and scarves. And remember, there’s no limit to what you can fit up your butt.
2. Get to the gate 4 hours early and sell your platelets for air miles.
Spirit offers an early bird deal for those passengers lucky enough to have type O Rh D negative blood. Get to the gate four hours early to earn miles which can be used towards any Spirit SWAG you can fit into your coin purse, as well as any of the sick beats the pilot is selling. I strongly advise against accepting flight vouchers as nobody has ever flown Spirit more than once.
3. Downgrade to a Basic Economy Lowlife seat.
They don’t list this money saving tip on the website, but you can call and specifically request one of the seats located in the undercarriage, where less-predatory airlines would put luggage. The temperatures will drop below freezing at maximum altitude in these seats, so this is where having all your luggage strapped to your body really comes in handy. And by providing extra padding, it protects your body from the ricocheting suitcases belonging to the three people dumb enough to pay for baggage.
4. Save $12 by opting out of insurance, oxygen masks, and flotation devices.
Think about it, when you buy insurance, you are basically betting against yourself. Same goes for any kind of first-aid or rescue devices. I personally would be pretty pissed if I paid for something I didn’t end up using.
5. Agree to be an independent consultant for Spirit Airlines.
If you sign up through the link I’ve provided below, you’ll automatically get the opportunity to be your own boss. All you have to do is put in 90 hours per year as a flight attendant or co-pilot and convince five people to pay baggage fees. Honestly, I just did it for the discounted product at first, but look at me now, I own a timeshare on Spirit, the off-brand condom of airlines. DM me for details.
6. Volunteer to sit in the rowing row.
Spirit is one of the first Airlines to harness the renewable energy collected from turning cranks to charge up power reserves on their flights. Wanna help keep the lights on and the cabin pressurized? (that’s a lot of pressure lol!) Just verbally acknowledge that you understand what sitting in this row entails: If you are physically capable of rowing for the duration of the flight, the extra legroom is yours!
7. Bring your own folding chair.
While Spirit does provide folding chairs for all passengers, free of cost; in my experience, they aren’t very comfortable. Just make sure your chair doesn’t exceed the dimensions listed on their website. And double check that it can fit under your clothes.
8. Punch a flight attendant in the stomach.
Everyone needs to feel alive. Having experienced the trauma of being a passenger on a spirit flight, can you even imagine what it must be like to spend 40 hours-a-week in that tubular hell-hole? Knocking the wind out of your nearest steward/stewardess is probably the most mutually beneficial action you could ever take in transit. It’s both a release of aggression for you and momentary suffering sufficient to make them forget where they are and what their job is. Two words rarely uttered on a Spirit flight: “Win, Win.”