Washington D.C.- Following the announcement Sunday that The White House would be terminating The Deferred Action on Childhood Arrivals (“DACA”) program, otherwise known as The DREAM Act, President Trump urged congress Monday to pass his newly introduced replacement legislation, The Lucid Nightmare Act. Unlike The Dream Act, which protected young undocumented immigrants from deportation if they were brought to the United States as children, The Lucid Nightmare Act mandates that those same “Dreamers” be immediately ripped from their schools, jobs, families, and the only country they have ever known, so that they can be swiftly deported to a dangerous country where they know no one and don’t speak the language.
“The Dream Act is a total disaster,” Trump explained. “It doesn’t give those 800,000 Dreamers a path to citizenship or anything like that, but it does allow them to come out of hiding, go to school, get a job, and pay taxes. And we can do better than that. The Lucid Nightmare Act will ensure that our immigration system is never asleep on the job again.”
In response to critics who have denounced the newly proposed legislation as a cruel assault on young people who never chose to enter the U.S. illegally, White House counsel Don Mcgahn pointed out the many compromises made by the administration in drafting the LNA. “We went to great lengths to limit the potential discomfort that Dreamers might experience under the Lucid Nightmare,” Mcgahn clarified. “For example, the first draft of the Act required that each Dreamer, after being caught, would be attacked by faceless man after being injected with a paralyzing agent that would make it impossible for them to move or fight back. But we took that part out in the last round of edits.”
“We aren’t just gonna drop these kids off blindfolded in the middle of nowhere with no way for them to fit in,” explained Attorney General Jeff Sessions. “The Lucid Nightmare Act specifically requires every Dreamer get one Spanish lesson and a free sombrero before we put them on the truck back to their country of origin. Also, the blindfold is loosened before we drop them off. We’re not monsters for Christ’s sake.”
Despite the administration’s efforts to make the Lucid Nightmare as painless as possible, some Dreamers still reported debilitating terror upon hearing the news. “It was like I was drowning,” recalled 21-year-old Georgetown senior David Distinto. “And I distinctly remember feeling like my teeth were falling out. Worst of all I had this overwhelming sense of dread that, no matter how hard I tried, I just wasn’t gonna make it to that really important exam in the morning.”