Brentwood, CA – Breitbart News Executive Chair and controversial right-wing firebrand Steve Bannon resigned Tuesday in the wake of the publication of a new book attributing to him numerous incendiary statements critical of President Trump and his family. In an apparent effort to put a positive spin on what is widely seen as an epic downfall, Bannon issued a statement expressing his gratitude to the Breitbart community as well as his intention to use this opportunity to spend more time with the people who matter most: Scotch.
“This isn’t how I wanted things to end,” Bannon admitted. “But waging war on the globalist SJW scum and the treasonous mainstream media 24 hours a day, 365 days per year, has taken its toll on my personal relationships. The last time I was home, I almost didn’t recognize my bar.”
Bannon went on to describe in candid detail the havoc wreaked upon his family by his workaholic lifestyle: “There are days when I can’t even remember my scotches’ names. Just last week I called Glenlivet “Glenmorangie” by mistake. Then I took him with me to a fundraiser and someone asked me how old he was; for a moment I honestly couldn’t remember if he was 12 or 18. My scotch deserves better. And I intend to give it to him.”
In response to long-standing accusations of racism, Bannon stated unequivocally his unconditional love for Johnnie Walkers of each and every color. “People have this idea of me,” Bannon lamented. “But if they actually came to my home they would see my family for the beautiful rainbow it is. Johnnie green. Johnnie blue. And yes, even Johnnie black. My father taught me to judge a bottle not by the color of its label, but by the content of its alcohol. And that’s a value I hold dear to this day.”