We’ve all been there. Behind your desk at 8:15 when you just took your last shot of Jamo at 5:36. Or maybe you had 3 too many martinis at lunch and couldn’t just ditch the rest of the day cause you left your car keys at the office. However it happened, you are now drunk at work. While many find this experience daunting, it doesn’t have to be. We’ve collected 8 sure-fire ways to avoid the fear and shame of being drunk at work by ensuring that you never notice your co-workers noticed:
1.Blast your music really loud.
Maybe your co-workers are talking about you and maybe they’re not. You wouldn’t know because your computer speakers are maxed out and you’re treating the entire office to a full volume duet with Bruno Mars. This is indeed “What You Like”.
2.Throw yourself into work
Who’s got time to worry about whether or not your office-mates can smell you from 10 feet away? You’re here to work. And if you really focus you’ll forget all about the visible piss stain on the front of your pants. This is the perfect time to finally buckle down and answer all those angry emails from your stupid bitchy customers.
3.If you fall down, don’t look around when you stand back up.
This one is not as easy as it sounds. But if you have the discipline to pull it off, you will never know how many of your co-workers jumped to attention when your shoe accidentally ran into your other shoe and sent you tumbling to the floor. No time for pity here. You have calls to make.
4.Call your clients.
You won’t get any concerned phone calls from the guy in the next cubicle (or management) if your phone is already engaged. So keep that bad boy off the hook by making unsolicited calls to all your most important clients. It’s been a while since you checked in and made sure they’re fully satisfied with your work. This is the perfect time to reconnect. You’re loose, relaxed and in a very good mood. And there’s that one you’ve always wanted to ask out…
5.Watch some porn.
I don’t know about you, but when I’m watching porn, my mind’s not on anything else. So cue up the nastiest thing your office’s firewall lets through and watch how quickly your self-consciousness about being shit-faced disappears. But be considerate and use headphones. After all, your cubicle is open to a busy walk-way.
6.Piss in a bucket under your desk.
Pretty obvious, but for the sake of thoroughness we can’t leave it out. Relieving yourself at your desk allows you to avoid those long unsteady walks to the bathroom and the myriad opportunities for small talk and eye-contact they entail.
7.If you feel someone tap you on the shoulder, turn around and punch them in the face as hard as you can.
Some people can’t take a hint. Despite all the pains you’ve thus far taken to make yourself invisible, it’s not impossible that a co-worker could attempt to engage you by making unauthorized physical contact. There’s a word for this contact under the law: Battery. Such a violation of your personal space must be met with the swiftest response. Knock that motherfucker out before they say a word. Now you’ll never know what they wanted to talk to you about. It probably wasn’t important.
8.Resume drinking ’til you black out.
In the highly unlikely event that the above precautionary measures have proven inadequate to insulate you from potentially noticing that your cohorts know you’re trashed, immediately seize the emergency fifth of Jack in your bottom desk drawer and chug it like a frat boy with PTSD. Rest-assured, you will wake up the next day secure in the knowledge that you have no memory of anyone at your office ever having the slightest inkling that the vomit next to your desk is your own.